Odessa Street

Much of the Goings

2009-11-07T23:46:49Z

I have some friends who occasionally still read this. Thanks for sticking with me, folks! I don't seem to ever have the time/motivation/whatever it is to update, though I think of it often. I love being able to read back on entries from years ago, and would like to do the same for this period in my life.

But so, yes. Been ridiculously busy. Why so busy?

As posted about a month ago, I am back in school. I love it. I mean, love love love love LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE it.

It's a mixture between a calm, rational interest in the topic I'm studying and a psychotic burning need to know more. I have repeatedly left my classes high on knowledge. This is one of my favorite feelings in the world. I am pretty sure my man is sick of me talking about my classes, but my excitement is boiling over and I can't contain it. Have to give him credit though: he listens. Yep, I found me a winner.

Taking these classes has been very difficult, however. I go to class before work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I leave late those nights to attend another class in the evenings. I don't get to see Mateo much at all those days; if I am lucky, I sneak in five or ten minutes before he falls asleep. I miss him enough that I have to call home and talk to him on the phone. They are silly conversations, but I need to hear his little voice tell me about the noodles he is eating.

Plus, I have constant homework, no time to do it. Most of it, I do during nap time on the weekends, or occasionally some time after 9:00 pm on weekdays. Mondays, in particular, I stay up late. J is gone and T is asleep, and I just power through until midnight or so.

My goal was to continue at this rate for the next 1.5 years, finishing the pre-requisites and then applying to the graduate program. I believed that I still had another required class to take next fall, thus pushing my application date out to 2010 at a minimum.

However, I discovered last week that I was wrong. The fall class is not required at all, and, exceptionally, they are offering it during winter quarter this year. Once I learned that, I quickly calculated that if I were to go to classes full-time, I could apply as early as this year.

I talked it over with my little family, and we decided this was the best course of action. So many factors went into consideration, and I won't lay them all out here, but we weighed the pros and cons. I had already been looking for another job because I wasn't particularly thriving in my current one. Knowing I needed to work somewhere flexible enough to let me keep taking classes was becoming a problem. The class schedule for winter quarter has classes primarily in the middle of the day, too, making schedule arranging difficult.

As a result, two Tuesdays ago, we decided I would quit my job and go to school full-time for the next six months. Doing so would allow me to apply this February for grad school. In the highly likely event that I don't get in (acceptance rate: 18%), I could at least take some graduate credits next year, know the faculty better, and have an additional year's worth of coursework for the admissions board to base their decision on. If I get in, great. If not, I will look for work come June and take one graduate class per quarter, if I choose.

This revelation -- the realization that I could do this and it wouldn't mean we would have to starve for the next few months -- that was a great feeling. I have a work from home opportunity lined up, possibly two. Money will be coming in the door, though obviously I will be spending more than I am making. Still, we can afford the six month gap, and it's so so worth it.

I told my boss about my intention to leave our company on Thursday. I had been having some nervousness about it, but he was incredibly supportive. He and I both recognized that my enthusiasm for my job had been slumping, and we knew it was not a career path I intended to stick with forever. Still, he said he would like to keep me on part-time, doing some writing as a contractor. Sounds fantastic to me, as that is the part of my job where I felt I worked best.

HR made the announcement on Friday, even though I will still be there for another month or so. We need to work on finding a replacement, and people needed to know. When everything was said and done, I felt great.

I am really thankful to my current employer for a lot of things. Mainly, I got to get my feet wet in the corporate world and experience a true desk job. I was given a fair amount of autonomy and learned a boat load about marketing and the software business. My coworkers are almost universally cool people; it is a little bittersweet to leave them so suddenly.

However. However, however, however. I am THRILLED with the occasion to finish up these classes. I am excited to be able to manage my own time, to determine when I do my work from home stuff, when I do my school stuff, and when I go to the grocery -- these are luxuries that I cannot wait to experience again.

I am going to take a lot of classes (five). However, the schedule is bearable, I will be able to pick up and drop off Mateo daily, and Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons are completely free. Yes, I will need to study my ass off, especially since I know "they" will be watching me. But I will be able to do so in a coffee shop, at the library, or at home, if I so choose. This is amazing freedom to me. I might even be able to take yoga again.

So. My job ends the first week of December. The following week is exams. Then I have one week of kid-free open time (hallelujah!), and then it's Christmas and Mateo's school is closed.

And then? Head-first into school.

I can't wait.

Capturing Time

2009-09-20T16:10:23Z

It's Sunday morning. T is playing his drums and singing the ABC's. This is a regular gig for him, one he did with much fanfare at the Oregon State Fair a few weeks back. An entire tent of people applauded his performance, while I laughed so hard I cried. I really think this kid has a rock star streak. Look out, Mama.

So much is going on right now that it's hard to keep up. Still, at the end of the day it boils down to the basics: getting T in his jam jams, reading some bedtime stories, putting the little man to bed. He is loud and crazy and difficult at times, but he is a treasure all the same. I am so proud of the boy he is becoming, and sometimes I can't help but wonder where the time has gone.

In other news, I recently made the decision to start going back to school. I love school and honestly don't feel totally well if not pursuing something academic. My last few years of classes were sort of random (linguistics), but now I aim to do something concrete that leads to an actual career path. I am very much blessed in that my employer has agreed to be flexible with me, and we have worked out an arrangement where I will continue to work full-time. Twice per week, I will have class in the morning. The other three mornings, I am required to get in by 7:30. All days of the week, I am to work through lunch, with a hard stop at 5 to get Mr. T.

The timing is intense, but it will cut back to something a little more reasonable in January. School is on a quarter system, so I need to make it through three months of crazy. I know I can do it. I am a little nervous, but it will go fine. I got my textbooks the other day. One class is Neurology, the other is Anatomy and Physiology. The combination means I suddenly have many atlases of the human body in my possession.

A huge part of being able to do this is having someone supporting me in my endeavors. I never realized how little support I received from Teo's dad, both emotionally and just in the daily things. It makes such a difference to have someone who is not only behind me but also excited for me, and who is willing to help out with basics like cooking dinner and taking out the trash. It really is amazing what a difference that makes -- not feeling like you're going into something completely alone.

Anyway, I am both excited and nervous. For now, T and I are going to spend Sunday in the park with a new friend. School starts in a week. Wish me luck.

Nutshell Version of August

2009-08-28T03:50:28Z

Here are the things we have been up to this month, none of which involved updating this blog:

- Went fishing, where Teo caught a beeeeeg fish, swam in the river, and threw some rocks.
- Enjoyed separate visits from Julie, Kara, and Kathy. Rock on ladies. So great to see all of you. Congrats to Mrs. Savoie, by the way. You guys are really blessed, and I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you.
- Tested out the camping idea. Conclusion: keep the kid up until 11 pm, and he will sleep anywhere. Also? Queen-sized sleeping bags nicely fits two adults and a kid, in a pinch. Good times.
- Made homemade curtains for half of the house. They look good, even better than I thought they would. Might attempt to make the second half this weekend. It wasn't anywhere near as difficult as I thought it would be.
- Got an interesting job offer completely out of the blue. More on that later. Maybe. Turned it down, but am still sort of aching from the decision.
- Learned some going-to-bed coping mechanisms. Give the kid the illusion of control. "Do I put the cover on or off? Do I close the door? Do I leave the light on? Ok... if I do all those things like you say, will you not cry like a big boy? Great." No going-to-bed issues for the past few nights. This is miraculous. Even better? He has started announcing to me that he is ready for bed, and that "I'm not gonna cry, mama." The pride bursts from my heart.
- Discovered the awesomeness of fake, wooden food toys. Cut them! Put imaginary salt on them! Pretend eat them! The fun never ends. Most recently, he learned the word cinnamon while playing with said toys. So cute to hear a little man try to say that word.
- Picked fresh peaches on Sauvie's Island and made a peach crumble. Tasty.
- Went to several kid-friendly concerts hosted by friends of Mr Whiskey. His friends do music, that's their thing, and it's definitely the sort of ambiance I can get behind exposing my kid to early on in his life.
- One little boy started peeing in the potty in earnest. Still not fully potty trained, but definitely heading in that direction. We have had several three-pees-in-the-potty days of late. On the flipside, sometimes T just stops, grabs his crotch, and says, "Oh hey! I'm peeing in my diaper!" Thanks for the news flash.
- Attended a live performance by Demetri Martin. Hilarious. The man is really, really funny. Before the show, we also got to enjoy drinks during our third child-free night on the town. I felt like an actual grown up doing things adults do for fun.
- Made several rounds of soup out of vegetables harvested from the garden. Hallelujah. I wish gardens produced good things year-round, but I sense this is the beginning of the end of fresh backyard deliciousness.

There is so much more than that, but if I don't publish this now, it seems I never will.

Hellloooo September!

Well what do you know? It's August.

2009-08-01T14:33:19Z

Contemplation
Originally uploaded by odessa

So... hi. It has been awhile. I am returning to this blog like an out-of-touch friend, happy to see an old, familiar face. It occurred to me the other day that I won't want to forget the memories of today, and that, currently, the strongest link to memories from the last few years is this website. Thus, I return. Over a month later.

So: the update. All the credit for important changes of late go to Mateo: he's lively, animated, and freakin' TALKATIVE. He will narrate events as they happen. He will retell stories from his day. He will describe the imaginary meal he is cooking. All in GREAT DETAIL.

Most days, I feel blessed. He is obviously bright, clearly engaged, and generally fun to have around. I love being able to joke with him and for him to clearly see the humor in what I am saying. Recently, he has taken to asking, "Why?" This is constant.

Me: Here's your milk, bud.
T: Why?
Me: Because you asked for it.
T: Why?
Me: Because you wanted to have some
T: Why?
Me: Well, I'm guessing it's because you were thirsty.
T: Why?
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So sometimes, yes, I get frustrated. Sometimes I want to be able to go grocery shopping without having to sing "C is for Cookie" on repeat. Occasionally, I would like for him to play quietly in a corner, without requiring constant recognition from me about what he is doing. But these are small moments, and they pass.

Overall, it's so incredible and fantastic to see a little personality emerge even stronger and brighter than before. Sure, I felt like I knew him a year ago. Now that he is talking and interacting, I feel I know him twice as well. I imagine that, by the time he's three, I might just feel my understanding of him has tripled.

It's funny for me to think back to this time last year. I have much greater confidence as a mother. I go out with him with less hesitation, I know we are able to make things work. Recently, I went on an extended weekend trip with him to New Mexico for a friend's wedding. It was exhausting, for sure, and I was barely able to experience the wedding to its fullest. However, I was proud of the two of us for making our mini-adventure work. He was fantastic on the plane, reading books and getting into conversations with neighbors. Most of the weekend, he managed to keep it together despite the onslaught of new places, foods, and people. I gave him big hugs afterwards and told him I was so proud. He responded with a kiss on my cheek.

And yesterday, oh Lord yesterday, my little man went pee pee in the potty completely of his own initiative. We've been working on just getting used to the idea. It's summer, so he sometimes frolicks around naked. Nothing in my house is so precious that it can't get peed on, so I take the risk. He also always pees in the bathtub. Being able to recognize the feeling of "needing to go" is part of the battle, and I think Mateo is getting very close. So yesterday, after a long time playing in the sprinklers outside, I took him indoors to get a diaper put on his bum. But just before I did it, he said, "Mama, I wanna go pee in the potty." So we wandered over and he stood up, pointed, and more-or-less got a wee stream of pee in the potty. I gave him a big hug and told him to run into the other room to tell his grandparents. He ran out (naked) and got a little distracted, but I said, "What do you need to tell them again?" and he enthusiastically said, "Mimi, Baba! I went pee pee in the potty!" All the family (except Andrew) was there, and we gave him a little round of applause.

He deserves it.

Otherwise, non-Mateo news:

- Still with the man, still going strong, still not going to discuss it here. I do have to declare this one a keeper, though. He voluntarily went on a family vacation with me, he accompanied me on a visit to my grandma's nursing home, and he does all other kinds of wonderful things that people with big hearts do for those they love. Also: he is a very good cook. I have written proof that my only criteria for a man was that he knew how to cook, and I had no idea about that aspect of his awesomeness when we first started chatting one another up. Crazy to think we'll be coming up on six months already. In some ways, that seems super fast. In others, I think, "Wait, haven't I known him for years?"
- I took a class and am learning to sew. This was one of my only goals for 2009, other than the basic Make It Happen goals of keeping my job, eating right, and raising my son to the best of my ability. So thus far, I have made a pair of pants that is 80% complete. I have loved, loved, loved the experience, and can't wait to try something new. I am thinking a skirt (apparently easier than pants, but I won't have an instructor around to help).
- My house got robbed this week, the first time in my life that I have had the experience of coming home to a house after a burglar has been pawing through my stuff. I am a cheap bastard and have nothing worth stealing, so I think the guy must have been pretty disappointed. All in all, he got away with maybe $300 worth of stuff, though that would have been a much higher figure had he gotten away with my computer. It looked like he had tried to dismantle it and take it with him, but he might have just gotten spooked and run off before he could figure it out. I consider myself blessed, in some ways. Still, it's sort of creepy to think of someone crawling through the window and walking around our little home.

So as not to end on a low note, I'll throw in some of Mateo's favorite phrases. These are amusing and I never want to forget the sound of his little two-year-old voice piping in to tell me what's what:

- "Because... that's how it goes, Mama." (in response to the question "Why?")
- "Um... let me think about it." (in response to any question about what he's going to do later)
- "It's delicious!" (in response to "How is your food?")
- "Comb her hair with a dinglehopper!" (in response to "What can you do with a silly sailor?")

Almost two

2009-06-07T15:08:20Z

Oh man oh man. I can't believe my little man is turning two next weekend.

At the same time, I can absolutely believe it. Evidence:
"Go away, Mama, go away!"
"I don't like it! I don't like it!"
"I don't wanna put the pants on!"
"Mine!"
"Stop it Mama, stop it right now!"

Phrases of a two year old.

Also, leaving day care yesterday: "There's too much crap in there!"

I don't know where he picked up that one, but love the crap out of him anyway.

Blowing bubbles

2009-06-04T05:16:48Z

Blowing bubbles
Originally uploaded by karijean

One of my most favorite pictures of the Tates to date, courtesy of my sister.

Things have been wonderful around here. Good God, how we all feel so much better when the weather turns sunny.

I've got projects. I spent over an hour in the garden tonight after Teo went to bed. I've signed up for a sewing class. We're taking a small family vacation to the coast, I'll get to see Fred and her future hubby, and everything is just golden.

I just can't seem to find time to update this site - we're too busy playing in the backyard and blowing bubbles. Isn't that how it should be?

First Haircut

2009-05-15T21:59:50Z

From this:

To this:

Musical

2009-04-21T13:46:08Z

I love it that T knows much of the words to the "Once" soundtrack. He's so hip.

Neglect

2009-04-19T14:29:41Z

It has been a month and a day since I last updated this blog. That is a record absence in the blog's six years of existence.

But, things are good. The weather is turning here, and the trees outside are blossoming. I am currently in a short-sleeved shirt with the windows open. Yesterday, we got locked out of our house, and I spent an hour wandering the still-new-to-us neighborhood with Teo. We met our neighbors and talked with more new people in one afternoon than I probably have in weeks. Maybe it's the sunshine making everyone more social, or maybe it's just that I live in a rockin' hood. I don't know, and I don't care. I am just happy to be here.

Some of my absence is due to having visitors come stay with us this past month. It's been lovely. L was out here for a few days and we had an awesome time (ate some amazing, amazing food) and then C was out for some crazy days early April. I love both of them dearly, and am honored they came out to Stumptown for a stint.

But perhaps the biggest drain on my time - in a good way - is that I've started seeing someone. I'm not going to discuss him here, at least not until I am ready, so don't even ask. However, the sudden addition of somebody new in my life is definitely at least partially responsible for my absence. It's been great, but free time is limited.

And of course, there's the Tates, who is going to be two so very, very soon. He is talking in mini sentences and becoming more and more grown-up every day. He helped me cook today, which is sort of mind-blowing. Granted, all he did was take the carrots and arrange them in different piles, but he participated and made commentary and acted like a little adult. He has started singing along to some songs on my iPod (with the words) and pretty much just amazes me more and more each day. I love that little monster.

For his grandparents

2009-03-18T05:59:45Z

1) He can sing Twinkle Twinkle

and

2) He loves his Mimi and Baba

Twinkle Twinkle from odessa on Vimeo.

So yeah. About that.

2009-03-18T03:17:19Z

So. About that last post. Apparently that freaked some people right the fuck out. However, I am not going to discuss the issues here. Just know that I am fine and doing great.

Also, I am overwhelmed by the awesomeness of my friends. I know I have done something right in my life when I have so many amazing people to lean on. It's humbling to know people care. I love all of you so much.

For what it's worth, things are so, so, so much better than they were just one week ago. Yet another thing I can't really get into here. But things are good. Fantastique.

Recovering

2009-03-11T06:09:09Z

Doing somewhat better now, although still wrestling with feelings of anger, disappointment and shame. And bitterness. That will probably last a lifetime.

Thank you to my close friends and family, who stepped up their game and listened. Thank you to the unexpecteds, who surprised me with your understanding and compassion. And thanks especially to Mateo, for being cute and clueless. You'll get it one day, and I don't think you'll be so carefree, then. I just want to protect you and give you the most happiness I can. I am sorry I can't shield you from everything.

Shock

2009-03-07T22:51:34Z

I can not believe this shit. Are you fucking kidding me?

Fluctuation

2009-03-07T07:35:38Z

So I upgraded the site forever ago and it still looks like ass - it's been bugging me that I can't be bothered to fix it. It has come to my attention - via a faithful reader - that my RSS feed has changed in the process, or that for some reason it isn't working.. Apologies to you all. I hope I didn't lose my RSS-feed-reading friends forever.

Today was a shitty day and I am not afraid to acknowledge that. There are ups and downs in life, and at least this is the weekend. Good Lord, though, I hate feeling like an idiot. This is the first time in awhile where I have had just a deep, deep feeling of uneasiness, and I suppose it's good for me to remember how that feels. A reality check of sorts. "Don't get too comfortable, Lady!" I guess is the overall message, there.

I got pretty glum this evening, I will say. It got me thinking back on my previous post, and I'm trying to appreciate the range of feelings for whatever they are worth.

As an aside, I am so glad ANTM is back on. Mindless dribble is the best sometimes.

Down the line

2009-02-25T04:31:14Z

It's funny how life ebbs and flows. There seems to be so much going on right now; it's wonderful. Work is going well, Mateo is experiencing a conversation explosion, and I have two fantastic friends slotted to come visit me in the next 4-8 weeks. I am so humbled that I have friends willing to get on a plane to come to Portland just to see us. To me it means that I have done something right, that my friends who have been so integral to my sanity over the last year (or decade, or two) are just as much invested in our friendship as I am. I can't wait to see them. I miss my friends terribly, and feel so positively refreshed after a conversation with them that I am almost dizzy at the thought of spending a few days in their physical company.

Last night, I read back on some of my posts from when I first moved to Portland last year. Although the posts are probably, on a superficial level, fairly benign, I can hear a lot of the unspoken words beneath the surface. I remember writing many of the posts, and a lot went unsaid. There were months and months that were just flat out lonely. Loneliness is the worst feeling a human being can experience, and it crept up on me daily for awhile there. I dreaded the evenings, when I could be alone with my thoughts and recognize just how alone I really was. It was terrifying and defeating.

While I know I am not completely out of the weeds, it is great to be able to recognize that I am no longer where I was. My alone time now is precious, and I don't feel the loneliness so strongly. I have grown tremendously, and I am so thankful - in a way - for all the hardship. Somewhere in those early days, I found strength I didn't know I had, and that is quite a gift.

I think the key to being a successful single parent is to finally reach a place where you feel you can do it, where you have a handle on things, where you aren't constantly aching for another set of hands. I think I am there, now. That is an incredibly empowering feeling.

I took stock for a moment and let myself appreciate the little life Mateo and I have going here. It is something I created and I continue to cultivate to the best of my ability. I have help - so much help from family, especially - but the bottom line is that I am flying solo on a daily basis and making it work. As one single parent said, "I want it to be about thriving, not just surviving." I feel like we are making the transition out of survival mode, and the relief is palpable. It's also very exciting, freeing in a way I didn't expect.