Archives: April 2008
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Hello and welcome to the world, little Mr. Howard Thomas! He is so so cute, but I will let my sister do the posting of pictures and so forth when she is good and ready. He weighed in at 8lbs15oz, and a stunning 22.5" long. He is BEAUTIFUL and Mateo got to meet is cousin today. Mama and Papa are soooo cute and happy and it's just a good, good day.
Hellllooooo Howie!!!!
So tomorrow is a small, insignificant day. I will get Teo to day care as usual at quarter to eight. I will be in the office by quarter after. Somewhere in there, my sister is most likely going to give birth to a baby boy.
Whatever.
After that, there's going to be text messaging and some jittery behavior on my end for the rest of the day. I am taking the afternoon off, as I have made a doctor's visit for Mateo at the same hospital where Teo's cousin will be born. So I will pick him up early, go to the doctor's, and see what happens.
I am hoping to get to stop by, to meet my nephew in his early hours. Kari may be drugged up and crazy, but Andoo will let me know the haps as they develop.
The one issue? It's eight pm the night before this day care-work-day care-doctor-hospital driving extravaganza, and I just noticed I have a flat tire. I heard a suspicious hissing sound in my garage this evening as I unloaded the groceries, but I just shrugged it off as nothing. But um... well, the tire is completely flat.
Good timing there, God. Niiiiiiice.
Update: Catastrophe averted. I am borrowing my sister's car because, well, she won't be using it for awhile. I will drive around town in that car and then eventually get my tire fixed. Andoo is going to replace my tire at some point with the spare I didn't even know I had. Yes, I am a girl. I have never fixed a flat. My only excuse is that I haven't owned a car since I was 19, and I honestly never though it was something I needed to learn at any point in the last decade.
We did point out the positive in this, however. Miracle had it that I even noticed the flat this evening, as the guy who was supposed to deliver something to my house yesterday ended up flaking and coming tonight instead. I happened to have left my wallet in my car, so I had to go back out to the garage to get it. And that's when I noticed the flat. At 8 pm, instead of 7 am. When they would have already have been at the hospital and otherwise occupied.
So, I repeat: CATASTROPHE AVERTED.
Two positive things after my last depressing post:
1) I have befriended the girl who works the deli at the grocery store near me. She is just sweetness, all the time, and she loves Mateo. We go through a little routine where he waves at her and smiles and of course she doesn't like that at all. This last time when we went, though, she said, "Can I also just say something? You look great. I would have never known you had a baby -- let alone such a young one."
2) These are my calming evenings after work nowadays. Yes, I have a hole in my sock.
A relaxing evening from odessa on Vimeo.
Today I went to pick up Mateo from his day care and was overwhelmed with sadness. Teo's day care is great, he was ecstatic to see me, all was well on that front. He is, for the record, feeling like dynamite. I realized just how rotten he must have been feeling the last 5 weeks or so because he is suddenly the smiley, enthusiastic dude he has always been. He has done nothing but smile and giggle for two straight days. It is wonderful.
And greatly needed. I have been going through a bit of a dip. I know these will come and go, and it isn't anything for people to start calling me or sending me concerned emails. But I did have a moment today while picking up the babe. There were all these fathers around. Good God, the place was crawling with them. They were so cute, with their bottles in their hands and their obvious excitement to pick up their children. Their eyes danced when they saw their babies squirm with happiness upon arrival. Some parents came to get their kids together. And it just mad me so, so sad. I can't even put into words how tough it is for me to see how awesome some dads are, and how both Mateo and I are missing out on having that huge - HUGE - presence in both of our lives.
I am happy for everybody I know who is in a deep and fulfilling relationship, and especially happy for those with children in such a situation. But damn if it's not hard to be the only one -- really, the only one -- I know who is doing this on her own. I honestly do not believe that anyone can even come close to understanding what it is like without living it. The daily part of it is difficult but manageable. I don't let myself think about The Big Picture too much or I will fully flip out. But even more challenging is dealing with the constant feeling of... disdain? Concern? Judgement?... I get from others when they find out I am on my own. I know that most of you who read the blog don't feel that way -- most of you are super supportive and well, downright awesome. But for each person who is saying, "Oh, you're so badass!" (and thank you for your emails, by the way), there is somebody who gives an overly sympathetic sigh or someone else who says too much with a cutting look and no more. Getting questioned at the doctor's office, at work, at the FREAKIN car dealership about my marital status and having to say, in as few words as possible, that it's just Mateo and me. A single woman without a child does not have to go around talking about her single-dom, but a single mom has to regularly discuss it with people. It is odd. And annoying.
Now I know that everybody goes down their own path, and that we all have our demons to struggle with. I get that. My current demon is just accepting that this is our situation and that Mateo is not at some crazy disadvantage - dad or no dad. But right now Mateo just woke up after falling asleep at 8:30. It is 10:45 and I am in my pajamas, ready to go to bed. He is crying in his room. I spent all night trying to figure out with the morons on Comcast how to get my other computer hooked up to the internet. I finally gave up and opted to take a shower and get a good night's sleep. I cleaned everything, put away the dishes to my admittedly rather forlon meal, prepped Teo's bottles for tomorrow, placed his toys where they belong, packed up my work bag, and took a shower. As I was hanging up my towel and dreaming of sweet, sweet slumber, his loud cry came from the bedroom. Just when I thought I could finally cash in for the night.
I am struggling with the question of when to go to him. He needs to learn to get himself to go back to sleep some time. Occasionally, he does, but most of the time he just gets himself into a tizzy. I have nobody here to help me with this decision, and I am exhausted after a day of work, a trip to the grocery, an evening of trying to get some work done (without any success) and now a crying baby. Sometimes, you don't even so much want the relief of dealing with things, you want the comfort of going through it with someone else.
While I was at work today, we went through these sales training courses that the VP had bought. They were pretty good, and one of the guys on the discs said "When you go home from the course today, what are you going to say about it when you walk in the door?" I was struck by the sad thought that I wasn't going to say anything at all. I have nobody to say it to. Yes, Mateo is here. And yes, he helps enormously. But I can't exactly tell him how my day went. I miss having someone to do that with.
I also miss my friends. I miss them so, so much. I talk to my good friends regularly, and am in email contact with those that I can't call. But it's not the particulars that bother me so much as the big picture. In Paris, I had a nice little circle of friends and was honestly never lonely. It never really occurred to me to be so. Occasionally, I would get bored, but never, ever lonely. I saw my friends regularly, kept a busy lifestyle, and had The Boy. It might just now be hitting me what a big, enormous hole I have in my life when both my friends and my significant other are no longer a part of it. I spend all day with people I hardly know, and that is pretty tiring by the time Friday rolls around.
Anyway, like I said, I know life has ups and downs and that this is all a part of that. I am not worried, but I did want to document this feeling so that in six months, a year, whatever, I can look back and remember how much ADJUSTING I do on a daily basis and how exhausting and lonely it can be sometimes. I also wanted to add that Teo keeps me smiling 95% of the time, so my sadness is usually fleeting. But it is there, and should be recognized. Especially so that one day I can look back and see how far I have come.
Mateo was very sick. He woke up on Sunday with a terrible fever, shaking so much that I took him to the emergency room. I would have just taken him to his regular doctor had it not been Sunday, but oh well, ER it was. They were prompt and didn't make me feel crazy for bringing him in. It turns out his ear infection had only gotten worse in the past few weeks, and I guess his body just freaked out on him, causing him to spike a crazy fever.
I took him to the pediatrician today and she looked into his ears. "Mom," she said, "We gotta talk." I guess it had gotten pretty ugly in there, and so she gave me the line-up of options. I appreciated that she said one wasn't any better than another, and let me make my own decision: shots. He is getting three rounds of shots in his little legs and we are just bombarding his little veins with antibiotics. I am against the overuse of antibiotics in general, but this infection is just not. going. away. His ears have not been clear in over a month, and she said that letting the trend continue could lead to some hearing loss. Generally, that is to be avoided.
My sister was an angel and she came to watch him this afternoon once we came back from the doctor's. She is a million weeks pregnant and she still did that for us, I am so grateful. I needed to go to work -- the job is new and I don't feel comfortable just skipping out like that on my third week. My boss is gone as of Wednesday, too, so these two days are super important. I went in, made my appearance, did my work. But honestly, I am just exhausted. Saturday night we hardly slept at all. Sunday drained me further. And then today was crazy. Tomorrow and Wednesday are likely to be similar.
Additionally, I just have so much work to do. I was worried about how I would get it all done even before all of this went down.
I am sort of amazed at how life just sort of exploded in my face. Goodness.
We'll make it through, and this weekend will probably be the best in my life because of it. I hope to
1) sit
2) shop for furniture
3) do laundry
4) go to the baby sale
5) sit some more
Teo seemed difficult and grumpy until about six-thirty this evening. But for the last two hours, he has been all smiles and sunshine, and I pray pray pray that the medicine is working. I want my baby back -- seeing him so happy again made me realize just how miserable he has been these last few days.
I am going to shower now. I don't even remember the last time I did that.
I typed up a Happy Ten Month post and apparently lost it. I didn't have internet (not really, anyway) until today, so I saved it but I guess my connection timed out. Anyway.... Happy Late Ten Months little man!!!
You have gotten so big and I am so proud of you every day. The big thing this month has been seeing you adjust to our new life here in our new town. You have been a real champ. New teeth, new bed, new teachers, new friends.
Speaking of new friends: your day care teachers give me updates every day after school. You have two friends there who you play with regularly. When neither of them was there the other day, one of your teachers said, "Don't worry about Mateo. He has a girlfiend, too..."
"Oh really?" I asked, intrigued.
"Yeah... him and Sophie sit on the playmats and cuddle sometimes. She kisses him a lot."
You're already trouble!
They also mention how social and outgoing you are, and how you are fascinated by the inner-workings of a lot of the toys. You like to flip things over and see how they function, and this part of you makes me think of your uncle and your grandpa. They also have said that you are clearly the most enthusiastic about group singing time. You sing along and dance for everyone. "You've got a little music man!" they said, and don't I know it.
The lion is back from odessa on Vimeo.
Your lion came back in a box and you were ecstatic to see him again. You have started this new style of dancing that involves your arms, and I only caught a little bit of it on film.
The other part of the film that's interesting is this scrunched-up face you make at the end. This is your new tick, and I have to say, I hope it sticks. You screw your face up a whole bunch and then tip your head back, and then you smile while the rest of the face is still all tight. It's hilarious.
Every morning, I wake up and say hello to you, and you are groggy and snuggly and cuteness extreme. When I sense that you are starting to get a little more with it, I head into the bathroom so you can admire yourself. We spend every morning waving at you in the mirror, and you think the funniest thing is to walk out of the bathroom and then "surprise" the you in the mirror. It never gets old.
Your aunt Kari and I noticed today that you are getting YET ANOTHER tooth in that mouth of yours. Could you stop that, please? Your girlfriend Sophie is only on her SECOND tooth, and she's a year old!
So this month has been a little tricky as you and I have both had some health issues -- nothing serious, but enough to make us a little grumpy. You were the sickest I have ever seen you, and it was just sadness all around. When your smile came back after the worst of it, I was just so happy to see my little man again. I love your smile and would bend over backwards to see it daily.
This next month is going to be a very exciting one. You are going to get to meet your little cousin for first time in just two weeks, and you are going to see your grandparents shortly after that. I am so excited for us to settle into our new life and for you to become the little man you so clearly are turning out to be all on your own. Soon you will be walking and talking and doing all kinds of big boy things, and I just want you to know that I am so proud of you and I love you --- every step of the way.
New wooden floors!!!! from odessa on Vimeo.
We are doing better. Mateo is less cranky but sleeping a lot, which is a nice mixture for me at the moment. He is still my smiley baby. Today, Kari stopped by after work and we the two of us were hanging out with him. He was playing and smiling and then suddenly lying on the floor face-down -- clearly exhausted. We started laughing and he popped back up again. "Who me? Tired? No way!"
He was asleep by seven.
Work is getting better in that I am getting more comfortable with the ropes. My boss was very excited by something I did today, so excited that he called over the Big Boss who then sat at my desk and discussed things with us. It was great to get a feeling of satisfaction after a week of bewilderment, and it prompted me to tackle a Big Scary Project that I have to finish in the coming weeks. It is still Big. And it is still Scary. But I think I can get it done.
I have also decided that people in this town are just freaky crazy nice. I have befriended the deli girl at my supermarket. She is super rockin. The checkout guy is also cool, as he is a vanilla yogurt fan and so am I. These are small things and little conversations but they do add up, and they really make this a pleasant place to live.
My house is also coming together. Mateo still desperately needs a dresser, as his room is just clothes piled in his closet and a crib at the moment. The dresser would also house the changing pad, which is currently on the floor in my room. It works, but could be better. I did, however, receive the awesomest of awesome couches a few days back, so I should just wallow in that greatness for awhile. Next project? Lampage.
I am also getting phone and internet installed this weekend, so I can quit wasting my time waiting for pages to upload. Instead, I will waste my time waiting for things to download.
Anyway, I am happy with these last few days. It is nice to feel so accomplished. But, but. I will be very happy when it is the weekend, too...
Mr. T still has the infection in his left ear, and the right one is "clearing." Last night his temperature was 100.6, this morning it was 101.7. So we went to the doctor, as planned, and were given the same diagnosis as last week. We are on our third antibiotic. He is just so achy and feverish -- he has been clinging to me all day and has me in a complete monkey grip. We got in a decent night's sleep, but I just hope he starts feeling better by tomorrow. It is very sad to see him so lethargic... he is normally such an active guy but right now he wants nothing but to sit on me and whimper. Breaks my heart.
This has been my first week of truly living the single mama experience. Sure, I have been alone in raising Teo since about month two, but I've always been surrounded by people and have had tons of free time. This is his first week of full-time day care and my first week of a full-time job. Our first week of not really having support around in the mornings or even all that much in the evenings. It is very, VERY hard. It is so difficult that I don't even have the time to be lonely yet, though I could see how eventually I might get there. Right now, I am just too darn busy.
My job is very intense and incredibly demanding. I am still completely mystified as to how I got hired. I have to put together presentations on a product I know nothing about, and I am using a software I have never before touched. It seems odd to me that nobody has ever done this before at the company. All the sales people are super excited because hey! They'll finally have some docs to use. But why couldn't they have just thrown something together themselves? It makes a lot more sense than having the New Girl be in charge, but whatever. I do not make such decisions. Anyway, I am learning and learning and learning and learning. It's exhausting. I have to call meetings all through next week -- me! Calling meetings! Reserving conference rooms! WTF? I waver between really enjoying the job and being completely terrified.
Today is Friday and we were to have a big of a wine-n-cheese gathering at the end of the day. Excited to finally meet my coworkers in a less work-related setting, I wrapped up my final meeting for the day and went back to my desk. On my cell phone was a message from Mateo's day care. It turns out he had (and still has) a fever and needed to come home. So I told my boss that I was sorry and I ducked out early.
These are the kinds of breaks that single moms just don't get to take. I work 8:15 to 5:15 and I spend much of my morning and evening dropping off and picking up the little guy. There is no relief -- there just isn't. I think the day to day part is not that complicated, it is just intimidating and a little overwhelming when you consider the situation waiting for you all the way down the line.
This weekend we have to drive out to an urgent care clinic outside the city to get Teo's ears checked, per his doctor's request last week. She said they seemed to be clearing but recommended I verify the infection had completely disappeared. Again, I can't take the time off work, so that is how we will spend our Saturday. Although I am not happy Mateo is sick today, at least his timing is good as we have to visit the doctor anyway. My poor baby is just looking so much like a sack of potatoes, I could cry.
Meanwhile, I brought my work home with me. I can't even get into the details of how much I have to learn, and a lot of it I want to do in privacy. We have an open office, which means there are no cubicles and no doors. Everybody can see everybody else -- the CEO's desk is just a few over from mine and my boss sits behind me all day. This is good for the spirit of trust and open-ness within the company. Not so good if you have never been all that good at Excel and don't want to seem like a moron.
Another amusing thing to me is that I have no idea about American corporate culture. I just found out what a brownbag is, for example. I have done a lot of guess work as to what certain words mean, and I am very grateful for context and the power of the nod. I am getting there, but there is a very steep learning curve here.
So this weekend is going to be all about catch up. I am taking Mateo to the doctor and am looking to get the groceries I need for next week. I still need some boring things for the house: a few garbage cans, envelopes, little sticky things to go on the chairs so they won't scratch the floor. During Mateo's naps, I will work. It will be a wild, wild weekend for sure.
I thought last night about dating, and how that is a goal of mine for one of these days. I have absolutely no idea how that will ever even be a possibility. It's actually pretty amusing when I think about it. Sad, in some ways, I suppose, but at least for the moment it is just funny, funny, funny.
We are not joking in the teeth department around here. Five new ones in maybe two weeks.
I am stealing two things right now: 1) a brief moment while Teo is asleep and 2) the free wifi internet connection available in my apartment. It is ridiculously slow and will absolutely not do long-term, but it might be a little while before I get on the ball enough to set up my internet properly, so I am grateful.
Today was my first day at work and Teo's first day at a new school. We trucked out of the house at 7:10 this morning, and were very early to both as a result. Mateo seemed to have done well, though the day care called me this afternoon to warn me that he had fallen while pushing a baby lawnmower toy and had had a bit of bleeding. You wouldn't have known anything had gone wrong by the way he was giggling and playing happily by the time I came to pick him up this evening. The girls at the day care told me he did really well and that he didn't seem phased by his new environment in the slightest.
I know you are not supposed to talk about your work on these blog things, but I do have to say that my new gig is pretty decent. Hell, I got a MacBookPro out of the deal, so I can't really complain. They also decided to give me an extra week of paid vacation somewhere down the line, just because. I am confused as to how I got so lucky. The actual position is incredibly challenging and I am going to have to remember to breathe, that I can do this, that I am going to come out of this with a ton of great experience. But man -- it is all a little overwhelming at first. I think I held my own today, but I have a feeling I am going to be doing occasional outside work late some nights. I have a lot of ground to cover. As my quasi-boss said to me today: "You're already a year behind." Meaning: they have been wanting to get some of the projects I am responsible for off the ground but are just now getting around to it. I have a lot to learn. Tomorrow is intensive training for much of the day, and oddly I am grateful to sit back and be in the position of The Learner. Today was a lot of on-the-spot thinking and brainstorming in a company that I am not really familiar with yet, so naturally it was quite tricky. I think in a few months I could grow to really like this job, but for now it stands before me like an enormous beast I have to tackle.
Another enormous beast is my house. I am at a livable but totally chaotic point in the unpacking process. I have my mattress on the floor and Mateo's crib set up. I have one kitchen chair and my kitchen table is both my desk and my eating area. I have garbage accumulating in one corner because I still don't know where I throw out trash. And I have so, so much more to do. I have decided that I will not focus on these issues this week, as everything is all about prioritizing in the end. Last week was the house, this week is the job. And every day is Mateo day.
Oh! And I bought a new car. See how crazy things have been? I forget even big news like that. Pictures will come soon. We are working on a name.
Alright -- I am hoping to go find a garbage bin somewhere while Teo is still asleep so I should get on that. I can't wait for that day when everything is pretty much in place and I can sit down with a tasty peppermint tea and think, "Ok. Time to sit and do nothing else."
UPDATE: Found the trash. Threw out lots. Feels good.
Mateo and I have made the trek out west, and all I can say for the moment is thank God for my sister and brother-in-law. They have been crazy helpful and I could not have done half of what I have accomplished without them. We have been staying at their house while waiting for the heat to turn on in our new home -- keep your fingers crossed that everything is taken care of today. This week has been insane, just absolutely exhausting, and I do believe I will be needing a vacation after everything is good to go. Of course, instead of a vacation, I will be leaping head first into a new job, but that might honestly seem like small potatoes compared to the chaos of moving.
As I type, I am sitting in my sister's living room with Mateo asleep in the study. All of the boxes my parents shipped from Michigan are here, and I will soon load them into the car to take them to our new apartment. It is a beautiful place -- I am so happy with it and can't wait to make it ours. We have already done two necessary (and spendy!) trips to Ikea and a few stops at vintage/used furniture joints. The basics are taken care of, and I suspect I will find some other goodies to put into place in the coming months. In the the meantime, Teo and I have a little house to set up this weekend, and probably another Target run to make in the process. I promise pictures will come soon.
I have also found a day care for Teo, which was no easy matter. He spent the morning there today while I hung around to help with the adjustment. I honestly think he looked over at me twice the whole time. He would smile as if to say, "Oh, hey mama! Check out the block I have in my hand!" but nothing much more than that. I took that as a good sign. Hopefully, his transition will go well. This day care is nice -- the people are sweet and the environment is pleasant. They cook all vegetarian, homemade natural food for the babies, and they are happy to do the cloth diapering thing as well. I am so grateful to have found somewhere... it is a little pricey but I am finding that all day cares are.
I also had to get Mateo to a doctor while out here, as his ear infection still has not completely cleared. Poor dude has six zillion new teeth coming in, and still-infected left ear, hasn't slept in a real be in days, has had no sleep or eating schedule in any way shape or form, and he is still a smiliey guy most of the time. I am so happy that he is such an easy baby, even if we can't seem to get him away from the electronics. I stumbled upon his pediatrician by calling my insurer and finding someone -- anyone -- in the network who could see him. Turns out his doctor was absolutely awesome and very much on the same page as me, so I am happy to have found her.
So yeah -- I still have to buy a car and assemble many a piece of Ikea furniture, but things are actually coming together. I promised myself a massage if I managed to get everything accomplished by Friday (today) that I would buy myself a massage, and it might just happen. If not, I will come very, very close.
Now I have to go gather my things to "move out" of my sister's house and into my own. Tonight will be our first night in our new home and I can't wait to open this chapter of our lives.
Oh, also: Mateo learned to clap. Came in handy during "Wheel of Fortune."
Kari has an awesome camera and has gone picture crazy. In a good way.
