Archives: November 2002
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The best quote from a movie, ever.
Said by Janeane Garofalo's (sp?) character in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion: A neurotic, chain-smoking ex-high school freak turned millionaire (Janeane) tries on a dress in Romy (Mira Sorvino) and Michelle's (Lisa Kudrow) co-owned chic, upscale women's fashion boutique.
"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy."
Dad sent this along to me. For those of you familiar with "Who's on First?" it might be even more funny, but it's funny without the background knowledge, too.
"Vice President Hu Jintao, who by exercising extreme caution has survived a decade as heir apparent to the Chinese Communist leadership, rose to the pinnacle of power in Beijing today in the most orderly and peaceful transition in the history of modern China. "
- Washington Post, November 15, 2002
We take you now to the Oval Office:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George:The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Today qualifies as a bad one for two reasons:
1) I just listened to a De La Soul interview from npr's audio archives that took place when they released their newest album (2000). Two of the three members were there. One of them sounded semi-alright, the other was a complete moron. Overall, the interview was extremely painful to listen to. How do I come to terms with the fact that I have been respecting a group of "intelligent rappers" for years who are actually not that bright? They sure had me fooled for, oh, twelve years.
2) My favorite audio cover site has shut down. Zip, zerio, zilch. The tragedy of this situation cannot be expressed in words. I wasn't even given the proper weening period. I have checked numerous other audio cover sites. They are all out of commission.
Is this the beginning of the end of free music? What about those of us that live, breathe, and sleep the stuff?
A few months ago, a lot of fuss was made about the fact that McDonald's issued an official "warning" to customers: going to Mickey D's more than once a week might actually be harmful to your health. This warning came at a moment of media frenzy concering the growing problem of obesity in America. Additionally, forward-thinking McDonald's reps realized that they might get sued for future health problems stemming from excessive consumption of their burgers and fries in much the same manner as Phillip Morris was sued by lifelong cigarette smokers. Warnings at least allow such companies to say, "Well, I mean, we TOLD you it was bad for you beforehand."
Stolling down the aisles of the local French supermarket, once can stumble upon the "exotic foods" section. China, Lebanon, and India are amongst the featured cuisines, with America taking the top two shelves in the middle. Going by what the French see as our typical cusine, we eat:
pancake mix
brownie mix
1000 island dressing
ranch dreassing
blue cheese dressing
peanut butter
maple syrup
microwave popcorn
a variety of tex-mex ready-made dinner "kits" with spice packets
Marshmellow Fluff
How could anyone possibly sue McDonald's when American "cuisine' is composed entirely of processed foods?
UPDATE!!!
The sister sent this great link via the comments box. For those of you who are too lazy to go looking for it, I have provided it here. It's about a real lawsuit against McDonalds. Because, you know, McDonald's is solely responsible for people's weight problems.
For all Parisians, you MUST ride the new super duper high speed walkway at the Montparnasse station. For all non-Parisians, you must keep in mind that there is a fabulous super duper high speed walkway in the Montparnasse station.
The brilliant engineers spent months designing and building Gateway: the moving walkway of the future. Hours of toil led to opening day last June, when the supersonic speed of the walkway made so many people fall that Gateway was shut down. New work was done, the engineers worked out bugs, video moniters were installed to repeat "Don't lift your feet" and "Hold on to the rail" at the "warm-up" and the "cool-down" zones. New, important men with walkie-talkies (or as the French say, talkie-walkies) were put at the entrance to determine who was fit to ride. Young children, pregnant women, old people, and women in stillettos were asked to step aside.
And now, presto! Commuters gain one and a half minutes thanks to Gateway when trying to connect from the lines 13 or 6 to the 4 or 12.
You might think that moving walkways are boring. Not Gateway. This is commuting at THREE TIMES THE SPEED of your typical moving walkway. Now that's fast. So fast that you need a warm-up and a cool-down. Even better, the old, SLOW walkway runs alongside Gateway, so you can laugh at the pansies too scared to ride this super mean machine. We all knew that woman in stillettos was too weak to experience Gateway. She just couldn't hack it. You, however, made the cut, and you can wave her and those other slow pokes of yesterday goodbye as you speed towards the future.
It's like an amusement park ride in the middle of your commute. A little flat rollercoaster, where everybody is carrying briefcases and umbrellas.
In light of all the recent bruhaha going on concerning Michael's alleged 'dangling' affair, I have spent some time looking up MJ info. I am also teaching myself Page Maker, because I have some spare time on my hands this weekend. As one needs a subject, and I don't want to do anything complicated, I chose Michael. And I unfortunately stumbled upon this link. You have to wait it out a second...it's a little "movie" so make sure you see the images changing.
I try and I try and I try to defend the man. But the evidence keeps stacking up against him.
I saw this on another web site, and liked it so much I decided to spread the love. Lighthearted and funny grammar article. Read some of the others along the side as well, they're quite funny.
My sister sent this along today. Had to share. Click it for the full effect. Just like on your contracts and medical warning labels: read the fine print.
Just because Michael Jackson has lost his head, we are under no sort of obligation to drive the man even further into insanity. The tendency to sensationalize anything containing the two words Michael and Jackson is getting out of hand.
When reporters said that Jackson "dangled" a barefoot baby out his hotel window, I imagined a crazed, surgical mask-wearing Jackson literally dangling a baby by it's little innocent foot. I thought to myself, "Oh no, now he's really gone off the deep end."
I just watched the video. You can, too, here. Click on the "Jackson: Baby Was a Mistake" link from Reuters and choose your player.
He certainly did not DANGLE.
Tia and I went to the EHESS yesterday for a little errand she had to run. Groovy place, free classes. As Tia said, "Welcome to France."
I had to run to the ladies', so I wandered aimlessly through about seventeen different doors before coming upon a small landing. A blind man who had been walking behind me approached the landing while I was contemplating which way the restroom might be. He continued on, but once he came upon a new wall that lead to the main doors just past the landing, he fumbled along and then asked me on which side the doors were. "Right here," I said, opening a door. "Go ahead." I followed him through the door, still in search of the bathroom. Together, we walked down the hall, past several smaller doors leading to independent offices. Suddenly, he turned right and walked through a wooden door. It was the men's room. The women's room was right next door.
This man was obviously unfamiliar with the building, as he had been asking me where the main doors were just a minute beforehand. Yet, he knew immediately which door corresponded to the men's restroom. So, my question is: Did he smell it? And how did he know, as he walked confidently through the door, that he was indeed entering the MEN'S restroom? Is there a difference in the odor of the two?
I was baffled. Tia can verify. Never seen anything like it in my life.
Paris is one of the most beautiful cities on earth, but when you live there, it's always nice to get away. Much thanks to Colleen and Patrick for giving us the opportunity to do so. After a few days in Aix, one can't help but feel refreshed. Clean, country-like air, beautiful sunsets on the beach, crystal-blue lakes, new and interesting places and restaurants, and (most importantly) excellent company were all packed into two-and-a-half full yet relaxing days in southern France. None of which would have been possible without the generosity and hospitality of such lovely, caring friends. You two are great! I can't thank you enough, I can just hope to return the favor.
Photos:
(make sure you close the last photo entirely before opening the next one. Otherwise, photos risk to get cut and chopped in strange places. Not sure why.)
Beautiful afternoon near an amazing lake with wonderful people.
Me in Aix out the apartment window
This isn't Photoshop. It's really the sunset. I am not paying attention to the camera, as usual. But the other two look fab.
I *somehow* got a handle on my favorite musical performance of all time. For those of you that have checked my profile in the forum, you know that I am referring to Michael Jackson's first performance as a solo artist: the Motown performance of "Billie Jean" (also, possibly, the best song ever).
This concert performance originally blessed my path via a documentary that I special-ordered while living in California. It has since remained the only cassette tape I have kept in my possession. His performance is, quite simply, mind blowing. Watching it today, I couldn't help but relive the fascination I have always had for this man so obviously born a cut above the rest of us. I was caught up in the magic of Michael for a long time thereafter, complete with my own personal soundtrack to finish up some tasks around the house.
An hour or two later, while working on the site, I stopped by the Movable Type main page, and had a look-see at a certain young man's site.
Unfortunately, I stumbled across this:
Click it. The horror only gets worse.
Not only was the coincidence slightly bizarre, it was also very painful.
How many Americans know who the second president of the United States was? Not many. I have asked a few of my young, educated friends. Answers thus far include Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Moore, neither of whom ever held office. So how many Americans reading this DO know? No cheating. And anybody forced by my father to memorize the presidents in order (or anybody who did it of their own strange will) is not allowed to play.
Am I crazy because I can't stand it when people put apostrophes when they mean to simply place an additional "s" at the end of a word? For example, I read somewhere today, "I looked at her photo's." Is this correct, my friends? Such mistakes are everywhere. And I am such a maniac that I also feel the need to add that CDs are not possessive, unless you're talking about a particular CD's name or cover, and that IBMs, BMWs, TVs, and PCs work along similar lines. I can't find a rule that says I'm right about this particular gripe, but I can't find one that says I'm wrong, either. However, it only seems normal that a distinction be made between the posessive and the plural forms, and that said distinction follow the same logic used for basic common nouns (non-initial-based). If we just go running around throwing apostrophe's on everything, pretty soon all of our rule's and guideline's that make sentence's understandable will be gone, and we will be left in a chaotic land of comma's, period's and quotation mark's that have no meaning.
But above all, please remember: the apostrophe goes out the window when dealing with its overuse in the most common mistake of all: IT'S. Apostrophe with subject and verb only, people, let's get it together. C'mon now.
Went to go see Bowling for Columbine last night. I had to laugh. In a theater full of French people, everybody was watching a documentary that took place, for the most part, in Michigan. I recognized the news reporters, the accents, the Michigan Militia, the landscape, the names of cities, etc., etc. However, I am pretty sure that those around me did not. I couldn't help but wonder how my reaction to the film must have been different than theirs. It was, in some ways, too bad that the portrait of Americans, and of Michigan for that matter, had to be so horrific. I suppose Mr. Moore had to do so in order to get his point across. I just hate to picture the conversations going around the Parisian cafe tables following the film, and I hope that Americans weren't all pinned as being robbing, theiving, gun-crazy, racist, terrified, power-hungry, uneducated fools obsessed with violence.
I read in a review of the film that Moore's basic statement is that America is the best and most wonderful country in the world, but it is riddled with problems (gun control was just the most-discussed among many). But in all honesty, America comes off simply as riddled with problems, and Canada takes the honorary seat as best and most wonderful country in the world.
I also would like to know what the NRA/gun-toters/gun-toting sympathizers have to say about the film. Maybe American readers living in the US could comment on that. French journalists have not really given equal weight to both sides of the same story, and it would be interesting to hear the how the side France has silenced reacted.
At any rate, excellent film. Every American should be required to see it. If I were an American Government high school teacher, I would show it in my class.
I might just have to go see it again.
The local FUSAC serves as a big classified ad magazine for anglophones and anglophiles in Paris. It can be a useful tool to the English speaker who is looking for an apartment (if he or she has a lot of extra cash), a hairdresser, a plumber, etc. In the spirit of things, the FUSAC staff tries to keep the magazine "fun," occasionally throwing in little tidbits of useless yet amusing information. This month's "fun" bit focused on classified ads taken from real newspapers. The most interesting include:
- Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
- Two wire mess butchering gloves: One 5-finger, one 3-finger, pair $15
- Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents/lb
- Nice parchute: never opened - used once
There's a transvestite that goes to my gym. She (as I assume is the gender she would prefer us to use) uses the women's locker room. She works out in chunky heels, nylons, and make-up. She never reveals herself while changing, constantly maintening the nylons. Never removing the sports bra. Forever reapplying the make-up. She is a big fan of blow dryers and very small spandex shorts. All of this was noticed after several months of sharing locker space with her. The following thoughts occured to me: have other people noticed? Has anybody manifested their distaste? Is anyone deeply bothered by having a biological male in the dressing room, even if she makes for a really convincing woman? And did the staff of the gym hesitate at all when showing her the locker rooms? (The women's locker room is the only thing on the last floor, and only women are allowed up there.)
I'm all about people that feel like dressing like the opposite sex or people that feel like "becoming" the opposite sex doing what they please. I'm personally fine with having her around. But I can see how people of a previous generation or a different social background might not be. It just got me thinking, that's all.
A documentary on French television several months ago about Raelians was, literally, out of this world. The group's opening website page claims that the Raelian revolution is "The world's largest UFO-related non-profit organisation - over 55,000 members in 84 countries - working towards the first embassy to welcome people from space...sweeping the world with the most politcally incorrect and fearlessly individualistic philosophy of non-conformism." When the group's leader, Rael, came into contact with extra-terrestrials in 1973, it was revealed that human beings are simply genetic creations made in the image of the aliens Rael met. Our mission, on earth, is now two-fold: one, to clone other humans in order to reach eternal life (at least, that's what Rael said on CNN) and two, to build the world's largest embassy to welcome the extra-terrestriels back to earth. This site is an absolute must-see. Once you get there, it will take a minute to load because there is a film that explains the history of the Raelians and their philosophy. Be patient - it is worth the wait.
That is certainly a lot of ice cream to eat in 12 minutes. Somebody else ate 274 pelmeni (Russian meat dumplings) in six. To find out why somebody would want to do such a thing, check out The Wide World of Competitive Eating, courtesy of the IHT. Is it just my own "morbid curiosity" that finds this so fascinating? It's like a car accident: I don't want to see it, but I just can't look away. Now all I have are visions in my head.
