Down the line

It's funny how life ebbs and flows. There seems to be so much going on right now; it's wonderful. Work is going well, Mateo is experiencing a conversation explosion, and I have two fantastic friends slotted to come visit me in the next 4-8 weeks. I am so humbled that I have friends willing to get on a plane to come to Portland just to see us. To me it means that I have done something right, that my friends who have been so integral to my sanity over the last year (or decade, or two) are just as much invested in our friendship as I am. I can't wait to see them. I miss my friends terribly, and feel so positively refreshed after a conversation with them that I am almost dizzy at the thought of spending a few days in their physical company.

Last night, I read back on some of my posts from when I first moved to Portland last year. Although the posts are probably, on a superficial level, fairly benign, I can hear a lot of the unspoken words beneath the surface. I remember writing many of the posts, and a lot went unsaid. There were months and months that were just flat out lonely. Loneliness is the worst feeling a human being can experience, and it crept up on me daily for awhile there. I dreaded the evenings, when I could be alone with my thoughts and recognize just how alone I really was. It was terrifying and defeating.

While I know I am not completely out of the weeds, it is great to be able to recognize that I am no longer where I was. My alone time now is precious, and I don't feel the loneliness so strongly. I have grown tremendously, and I am so thankful - in a way - for all the hardship. Somewhere in those early days, I found strength I didn't know I had, and that is quite a gift.

I think the key to being a successful single parent is to finally reach a place where you feel you can do it, where you have a handle on things, where you aren't constantly aching for another set of hands. I think I am there, now. That is an incredibly empowering feeling.

I took stock for a moment and let myself appreciate the little life Mateo and I have going here. It is something I created and I continue to cultivate to the best of my ability. I have help - so much help from family, especially - but the bottom line is that I am flying solo on a daily basis and making it work. As one single parent said, "I want it to be about thriving, not just surviving." I feel like we are making the transition out of survival mode, and the relief is palpable. It's also very exciting, freeing in a way I didn't expect.