I got back from dinner at my parents' tonight after leaving early. Mateo was having a complete breakdown, having skipped his evening nap. He fell asleep within two minutes of driving away from their house. Once we got home, he woke up as I changed his diaper. I fed him some, and the two of us drifted off to sleep. It was not yet eight o'clock.
This keeps happening to me. I am so very tired. Maybe I need to be more careful about my vitamins, I don't know. I think I have been very good at keeping everything together, doing this single mom gig and making it happen for the two of us. My attitude is fairly zen; I have been working hard at monitoring myself and staying in the moment. Some days it is more difficult than others. Yet, in the end, there is only so much one can accomplish, only so much one can take on in each day. And most days, I am ok with that. But every once and awhile, I catch myself feeling pulled by the under toe.
Today I felt a panic rising in me -- thoughts like "I'll never get this all done!" and "Just give me five minutes of peace!" started swimming around amongst my usual mental chatter. I tried quieting my mind but was unsuccessful. I had made myself a to-do list at the start of this weekend that I managed to barely scratch the surface of, and for a moment, I wanted just a glimmer of my old life back where I could tackle everything and anything at whatever rhythm I chose. Of course, that's impossible with a toddler.
We did have a great weekend, though. Mateo has been expanding his vocabulary and it is so, so thrilling. He said his first sentence ("Hi, cat."). I met up with some other local single parents and did the social play group thing. I got *some* work done and my dad helped me build a desk. I don't know why the panic. It was sort of irrational but definitely overwhelming. Eventually, I gave in and asked for help. Luckily, I live near family and they were able to take care of Mateo this afternoon (thanks Kari!) for a bit while I finished up some stuff for work that I absolutely had to get done. I managed to take care of the minimum.
And maybe that's the problem. I am always just getting the minimum of things done. I never feel on top of things, always feel like the checklist before me is crazy long. I fight to accept that this is how I will things will be from here on out -- me constantly aware of how much I need to do and how little time I have to do it. My only survival mechanism is trying to just be in the moment, take things as they come, and not analyze the Big Picture too much.
That and sleep. Which I will go seek out (again) now. Right after I take my vitamin.
Gosh, I hear ya Lee Ann -- and the thing is, I've always admired you, and I think you're doing an amazing job! You've got such strength, discipline and motivation and have accomplished so much on your own. You know, Emma was only born just over a month ago, and I already have days where I feel SOOOO overwhelmed, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed to feel that way, because I know there are gals like you who are doing it all on their own all the time -- I've been on my own a bit, as my boy has to work quite a lot since he went back last week, but I know it's not the same... But I know there are also women who have 4 children, heavy-duty demanding jobs and still manage to do volunteer work, etc...
And that's when I feel so completely useless somehow... But I have to remind myself that we're all different and not to compare myself, that our paths take us where we are meant to be.
Hang in there and keep on doing such a great job! Mateo is a beautiful little boy and I'm sure you are very proud of him.