Wallow

Today I went to pick up Mateo from his day care and was overwhelmed with sadness. Teo's day care is great, he was ecstatic to see me, all was well on that front. He is, for the record, feeling like dynamite. I realized just how rotten he must have been feeling the last 5 weeks or so because he is suddenly the smiley, enthusiastic dude he has always been. He has done nothing but smile and giggle for two straight days. It is wonderful.

And greatly needed. I have been going through a bit of a dip. I know these will come and go, and it isn't anything for people to start calling me or sending me concerned emails. But I did have a moment today while picking up the babe. There were all these fathers around. Good God, the place was crawling with them. They were so cute, with their bottles in their hands and their obvious excitement to pick up their children. Their eyes danced when they saw their babies squirm with happiness upon arrival. Some parents came to get their kids together. And it just mad me so, so sad. I can't even put into words how tough it is for me to see how awesome some dads are, and how both Mateo and I are missing out on having that huge - HUGE - presence in both of our lives.

I am happy for everybody I know who is in a deep and fulfilling relationship, and especially happy for those with children in such a situation. But damn if it's not hard to be the only one -- really, the only one -- I know who is doing this on her own. I honestly do not believe that anyone can even come close to understanding what it is like without living it. The daily part of it is difficult but manageable. I don't let myself think about The Big Picture too much or I will fully flip out. But even more challenging is dealing with the constant feeling of... disdain? Concern? Judgement?... I get from others when they find out I am on my own. I know that most of you who read the blog don't feel that way -- most of you are super supportive and well, downright awesome. But for each person who is saying, "Oh, you're so badass!" (and thank you for your emails, by the way), there is somebody who gives an overly sympathetic sigh or someone else who says too much with a cutting look and no more. Getting questioned at the doctor's office, at work, at the FREAKIN car dealership about my marital status and having to say, in as few words as possible, that it's just Mateo and me. A single woman without a child does not have to go around talking about her single-dom, but a single mom has to regularly discuss it with people. It is odd. And annoying.

Now I know that everybody goes down their own path, and that we all have our demons to struggle with. I get that. My current demon is just accepting that this is our situation and that Mateo is not at some crazy disadvantage - dad or no dad. But right now Mateo just woke up after falling asleep at 8:30. It is 10:45 and I am in my pajamas, ready to go to bed. He is crying in his room. I spent all night trying to figure out with the morons on Comcast how to get my other computer hooked up to the internet. I finally gave up and opted to take a shower and get a good night's sleep. I cleaned everything, put away the dishes to my admittedly rather forlon meal, prepped Teo's bottles for tomorrow, placed his toys where they belong, packed up my work bag, and took a shower. As I was hanging up my towel and dreaming of sweet, sweet slumber, his loud cry came from the bedroom. Just when I thought I could finally cash in for the night.

I am struggling with the question of when to go to him. He needs to learn to get himself to go back to sleep some time. Occasionally, he does, but most of the time he just gets himself into a tizzy. I have nobody here to help me with this decision, and I am exhausted after a day of work, a trip to the grocery, an evening of trying to get some work done (without any success) and now a crying baby. Sometimes, you don't even so much want the relief of dealing with things, you want the comfort of going through it with someone else.

While I was at work today, we went through these sales training courses that the VP had bought. They were pretty good, and one of the guys on the discs said "When you go home from the course today, what are you going to say about it when you walk in the door?" I was struck by the sad thought that I wasn't going to say anything at all. I have nobody to say it to. Yes, Mateo is here. And yes, he helps enormously. But I can't exactly tell him how my day went. I miss having someone to do that with.

I also miss my friends. I miss them so, so much. I talk to my good friends regularly, and am in email contact with those that I can't call. But it's not the particulars that bother me so much as the big picture. In Paris, I had a nice little circle of friends and was honestly never lonely. It never really occurred to me to be so. Occasionally, I would get bored, but never, ever lonely. I saw my friends regularly, kept a busy lifestyle, and had The Boy. It might just now be hitting me what a big, enormous hole I have in my life when both my friends and my significant other are no longer a part of it. I spend all day with people I hardly know, and that is pretty tiring by the time Friday rolls around.

Anyway, like I said, I know life has ups and downs and that this is all a part of that. I am not worried, but I did want to document this feeling so that in six months, a year, whatever, I can look back and remember how much ADJUSTING I do on a daily basis and how exhausting and lonely it can be sometimes. I also wanted to add that Teo keeps me smiling 95% of the time, so my sadness is usually fleeting. But it is there, and should be recognized. Especially so that one day I can look back and see how far I have come.