The Good:
J & G have come and gone, but their visit was wonderful. It was just great -- very relaxed and low-key. They went off and did their own thing sometimes, but also got in lots of time with their nephew. It was a great balance. I am so happy they could meet him when he is so small, observing such seemingly uninteresting milestones (to everybody but the baby's parents) like learning to touch/grab things with fascination. My brother is a real pro with Teo -- I told him at one point that I wanted to keep him in my closet so I could pull him out when necessary - ie when the little man is crying and needs someone to spin him (Mr T digs the spinning in a major way, and Uncle Jay rocks at it).
Equally as amazing as seeing my brother interact with my son was seeing him with his wife. I love my sister-in-law and couldn't be happier she is a p�rt of our family, and I especially love seeing how happy they make one another. It's so sweet, and they are going to make awesome parents. The whole scene just gives me warm fuzzies all around.
The bad:
Mateo had to get some shots and is just not up to snuff today. The doctor gave me some baby tylenol in liquid form, but Teo has learned to spit out more and more with each attempt to give him some. First try (last night), I think he swallowed about 75% of his dose. Second try left about 50% on his shirt. This morning, I think he swallowed about 20%. The vaccine can cause fevers so I am watching out for that, otherwise I get the feeling he's going to spend most of the day sleeping in my arms. I have tried to set him down three times and he is not having it... so he'll just stay close while I type one-handed.
The ugly:
This is a bit of a doozie.
The Boy and I are separating. There are all kinds of details I could hash out here, but they're not important. We're both a little torn up over the decision, but I think we have just hit a point where we can't try to make it work anymore. He's been moving out slowly and we are both adjusting day by day.
On Wednesday we decided to split, and I know the decision is the right one, albeit painful. The blow has been lessened by how rocky things have been lately -- I have already semi-adjusted to the possibilty of a break-up. In some ways, I feel a sense of relief -- now I can open the door to somebody who can love me the way I deserve, the way The Boy loved me for so many years before he decided (and outright told me) that his web site is more important to him than me or his son. In other ways, his departure is terrifying -- eight years of having somebody sleep next to you every night, of having someone to talk to about your day, of knowing he'll come home even when I am already in bed... those things created a presence that kept me from feeling alone, even when he was not home. Just being used to planning your day, week, month, year with another human being becomes a habit, and a pretty comfortable one at that. Dumb shit -- like going to the grocery -- upsets me because suddenly I catch myself buying him oatmeal when there's no longer any need to. It's a big adjustment, and a hard one to make while still getting the hang of being a mama.
Meanwhile, I found out that my boss no longer wants to hire me full-time, as we had planned before I left on my maternity leave. "Things have changed," he said, "I can't promise you anything..." I know it's not wise to talk about your job on your web site, so I'll just leave the story at this: I was counting on him for both money and paperwork, and both aspects have fallen through.
And THEN, if you recall, I have to move out of my apartment by December 31.
Trying to find an apartment, in Paris, working part time, with a baby? Not seeing it happen.
And the end result of all of this is that I am planning on packing my bags. Without a home, or the job I was counting on, or a relationship to fight for, staying in France does not seem reasonable. I have Little Teo to think about and I want to provide him with the best life possible. Now that his dad has officially jumped ship, I think the two of us should make our way across the ocean where I can (hopefully) make a decent living. I have talked this over with The Boy and he agrees that it is the smart move.
I have no idea where or when we'll go, but I assume it will be before Christmas. This decision has been a long time coming, and in a weird way I am glad to have it out of the way. It makes me cry to think of leaving, and I am terrified of sinking into some sort of horrible depression in the coming months, but I am going to do my best to keep my head above the water.
I never thought that I would find myself a single mom at 27, without a real job and soon without a home. On paper, this whole situation is such a mess. But I'm going to do my best to enjoy these months in Paris, to get to know my amazing son while I still have the luxury of being at home with him and watching him grow. I'll work on the monstrous task of closing up shop here while trying to lay the foundation for a better life elsewhere. Wish me luck.
Wishing you lots of luck. I've been enjoying your posts for a few months now - great, funny, honest writing - and will be keeping my fingers crossed that everything comes together in the next phase of your life. You seem like a determined, intelligent person and you've got a beautiful little boy there so I'm sure it'll be fine. All the best.
you are clearly very brave and eventually things will come together. best of luck to you and keep overcoming!
Lee Ann, I really feel for you.
I've been through the move across the ocean, the ensuing anxiety and depression (and I mean really, really low), and the empty wallet. But here's something my therapist told me:
The Kanji character for crisis is also the character for opportunity. I don't speak Chinese, but I kept that in my figurative pocket.
And I've wanted to thank you for some time. Your writings distracted me and made me smile during a very difficult time.
I made it through, and so will you! If you would ever consider a move to NYC, feel free to contact me!!
Sorry things have been so rough lately.
You will make it through. I was a single parent with a newborn at 26... it was difficult, but when you move back t the States, at least you'll have family to help you. They sound very supportive.
This sounds like the right thing for you and Mr. T. right now. Best of luck.
Lee Ann...I have been reading your blog since I was an Assistant in France. I have loved following your adventures and appreciate the honesty you bring to the table.
All I can say is that time is an amazing thing. Your adjustments to being single after so long of being a part of a whole? Completely normal. I went through the break-up (5-years, foreign guy, marriage plans...etc..) and all I can say is lean on your fabulous family. Good choice to return home! My family has made all the difference for me in my healing process.
Courage!
Pregnant for the first time myself-- I've been eagerly reading all your 1dt-time stories, but have never before commented.
You'll be fine. The next few months (moving across an ocean with a newborn? phew) will be hard, but I think you'll look back and say, I was right to be in France, and it was right to come home when I did.
Take care of yourself.
Pregnant for the first time myself-- I've been eagerly reading all your 1dt-time stories, but have never before commented.
You'll be fine. The next few months (moving across an ocean with a newborn? phew) will be hard, but I think you'll look back and say, I was right to be in France, and it was right to come home when I did.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I think you are taking the right decision. Perhaps the States is not as romantic as France, but you will be able to live comfortably and bureaucracy-free.
Actually, you should try to move to Canada. FREE HEALTH CARE.
You have been throught a lot. I have been reading your posts so I could keep up with you. You know your family will be thrilled to have you and Mr. T back home in the States. There is a lot happening here. Come visit me and Uncle Steve. We're going to be in the Twin Cities for Thanksgiving!!!!! Steven is making the turkey. Lisa is moving to Omaha. We have three empty bedrooms for you to take your pick of.
Nothing I can write will use all the words I want to say.
Can I settle for a virtual hug? I really want to give you a hug but a virtual one will have to do.
Peace.
I'm with Jennifer, can I give you a virtual hug too? I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and sending all kinds of good luck vibes your way. And, I know you have probably tons of offers, but if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know, k?
The visit was great for us, and Mr. T is a great, brand new human being. I'm sorry that things are poopy right now, but I'm glad Gail and I were there to talk to you about things as they were happening. I have to say that in spite of everything conspiring against you, you are doing remarkably well. I know it hasn't been easy for you, but I've been ridiculously impressed with how you are handling everything. And you are a great mom. And again, T is awesome.
So this post has been up for a few days, and I've been trying to think of something wise to say, but I can't. But I do get the feeling that you're somehow at peace with this decision, and I like that. I hope you'll keep on blogging once you're back "home".
good luck, leeann. my mom went through a lot when *i* was first born - my dad was kind of a lunatic and an asshole, and her father died of cancer six weeks after my birth. i think the experience made her stronger, and she passed that strength on to me. it sounds like your fam will be able to provide a good support group. i think you and mr. t will be just fine!
oh lee, i am sending you all of the strength i can muster. even through we talked reading this made me well up with tears. but you know, i have to join jay in the impressed department - you are a strong, beautiful woman (and mama!!) and you will make it through this.
oh, sweetie. Let me know what i can do to help, ok?
oh now i really wish i had something helpful to tell you when you emailed. wow. lots of upcoming changes. i think you are making what appears to be a wise decision. it's fine for us adults to be away from family for a while, but there is just something about having family around when you have a kid. the older my daughter gets the more i think it's going to be sooner rather than later that we move back too. i want her to know her grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles. once or twice a year just doesn't cut it. i sure hope you keep up with the blog though as i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that i'd love to keep following your's and Teo's stories...
I've been thinking about you and have to tell you are the bravest woman. You are amazing. And you will get through this. You and Teo are going to have so much fun in the US, I, too, will love reading your adventures state side.
If you need anything, I"m around in Paris... I know we don't know each other but we're both mamas and mamas need some time to hang out too. If you're up for some coffee soon, let me know!
Oh and Teo spitting out his fever meds, try bebe doli-prane suppositories. Work great and no spit up. I just keep some with me in the diaper bag, they so handy.
So Lee Ann, I've finally gotten to read this post just now and I wanted to second, third, fourth the notion that you are incredibly strong and brave, both as a woman and a mommy, and you have impressed me in all that you have achieved in your time in France. I for one wish I could have just an ounce of all the energy, motivation and discipline you have! You have accomplished so much; please don't ever forget that!
I know I'm an anonymous person here on this end, just another expat bloggger, but I just want you to know that I am sending you the warmest thoughts and wishing you the very best in the months to come as you prepare your move back to the U.S. You are going to continue to accomplish incredible things, don't ever forget that!
And like Jennifer said, I want to send you a virtual hug as well: all this blathering really doesn't mean very much, but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with you, in all sincerity.
Tiens bon, fais attention � toi !