Bonecrushing

I am winding down from a whirlwind of a day.

Last night, I had a long conversation with The Boy about the new apartment, what we're doing, why. It turned into a semi-argument, before we both decided it was pointless to fight over anything. The main line was: he's not coming to the new apartment with me. I need to accept this. We need to work on moving out. After said discussion, we went to bed and looked at one another in the eyes and said that this is too hard, that this is so weird, what are we doing? And then we fell asleep. So once again: confusion.

This morning, he came with me for the first time to the new place. The Boy is one of those people who rarely compliments -- if he doesn't think of something negative to say, then I usually consider that a mini-victory. Walking around the neighborhood, he said, "Oh, I thought it would be a little more dead. It's pretty lively around here, yet still pleasant and calm." Point one. As we walked into the building, he commented on the ceilings and walls (they have cracks, like every old building in Paris) and he said it doesn't correspond to the photos he saw of the place. Minus one point. Once inside the apartment, he didn't like where the fridge was placed - subtract another point. However, beyond that, he had nothing negative to say. As a matter of fact, he was very positive, and it felt nice to share that with him. I'd say we walked away with 5 or 6 points, total. He was very happy with the new apartment, and it's the kind of place that makes one want to linger for a moment. So we spent awhile just chilling out there, and then we went to the carpet store to find stuff to fit out his house.

We bought the carpet and organized shipping dates, and then motored over to Beaubourg to buy some paint at Leroy Merlin. Oh so many people! Oh so hard to decide on paints! Oh, just get out of my way, Old Man With the Basked Full of Home Deco Goods! But we found what we needed. Then we hustled back to the crib and dropped off our purchases. Tomorrow we have measuring and guesstimating to do... all of this moving is a monstrous task.

Once we got back to the house we nearly collapsed. There had been so much walking and deciding and pointing and stairs-climbing and the rest, we were just exhausted. We hung out on the bed for awhile and just gabbed -- something we rarely do anymore. It was so nice, and yet so out of place because we had just spent the whole day preparing our seperation, in a way. Relaxing in bed, I thought about what great friends we are, beyond all the crap that is going on in our couple, and how much we make one another laugh. The thought was bittersweet.

Afterwards, I asked him if he would go to my friend's party tonight. It is nearly impossible to convince him to leave the house on the weekends, at it is the only time he gets to work on his own business (during the week he has a paying job to go to). Surprisingly, he agreed. We went to the party, had a lovely time, had a wonderful discussion on the way back, and then we both hung around in the living room thanking one another for such a great, bonecrushing day.

Last night I was feeling really low. I was so upset about the direction of our relationship, the feeling that he was just abandoning me completely. Today, I am much more optimistic. Yes, I believe we will live in our seperate quarters for awhile, or that there will certainly be a huge difference in the amount of time we spend together. But I also know that we are incredibly close, and that he and I are best friends despite all of the troubles we are having right now. Mainly, I am just happy to have spent a great day with him, doing what was technically a series of very painful tasks with a smile.