The first thought that went through my mind when I saw that deep blue cross: Ok, it said wait two minutes. So I think the line disappears rather than appears, because that came up awfully quickly.
The second thought was: That line is not disappearing. Check the instructions again -- you have no idea how these things work other than what you've seen in the movies!
And the third was a rapid-faire combination of: HolyshitI'mpregnantandIknewitbutIdidn'treallythinkitwaspossible and whatthehellistheboygoingtothink and ohmygodmyfamilyisgoingtoflipout and wellI'llhavetodecidewhattodoaboutitafterItalktotheboy and thisistotallyandcompletelyinsane and youbettersitdownbecauseyourlegsareshaking.
So that was early October, a Thursday. On Friday, I took another test (with another definite cross) and then I told The Boy, and he said, "No. I don't want it. You have to get rid of it. And on top of that, I don't ever want to talk about it again." On Saturday, I found out my request for French paperwork had been refused. And on Sunday, I turned 27 and only two people remembered.
I made an appointment with the doctor and she gave me the low-down on how to get an abortion, giving me numbers to call for appointments and time delays to respect. On another paper, she wrote out the prescription for an ultrasound, should I decide to keep it. And then she gave me a third paper for blood tests, and she insisted I call a birthing center "just in case." They fill up quickly in Paris and she didn't want me to have not reserved a spot. I had five weeks to decide.
I kept the information in the back of my agenda, feeling the imaginary weight of it everytime my eye caught a glimpse of the doctor's letterhead while taking down a new appointment or looking up a phone number. At night, that imaginary weight became real and heavy, as I sat up thinking while The Boy snored away, only one of us plagued by a decision that had no easy answer.
Plus, I was hurt. My boyfriend of seven years, the one who always talked about wanting a family and so forth, saw this decision as a no-brainer. How could I even be doubting it? "We're not ready," he would say, and I would wonder who ever really is.
It dawned on me that if I got the abortion, I would be doing it for him and not for me. It was as if I had two paths before me in a forest: one was full of dying, forlorn-looking trees but the path was clear and straight, whereas the other was full of color, bright and sunny, but I might have a harder time making my way through the brush. I just couldn't walk down that first path no matter how hard I tried. I have no concrete explanation for it other than that my head and my heart both agreed with what my gut was telling me: keep the baby.
It's been a shock for everybody, but I have been overwhelmed by their support. My family has been incredible, I don't even know what to say to illustrate how wonderful they have been and how much that means to me. My friends in Paris have made an extra effort to see me, to spend time with me, to listen to me blabber about the craziness of all of this. My dear, dear friends from the States have been emailing and calling and supporting me in every way they can. I feel so blessed to have such loving people reach out to me in such a massive way. It's humbling.
The Boy, on the other hand, has been less supportive. It's complicated, as he feels that he is being forced into this against his will. He is obviously 50% responsible for the pregnancy, but he feels betrayed by my decision to go through with it. He wanted us to start a family together, when we both were ready and had mutually decided to get crackin' on it. But after so many years together, I feel like he should be able to accept this unexpected blessing. But he is having a very difficult time of it, although he says he is trying.
These problems, however, have brought us closer than ever before. We very well may break up -- that would be his decision, and not mine. And much in the way that he has come around to respect and accept my decision, I would do the same for him. But it's so, so painful for both of us to consider the end of our relationship that we are instead stuck at this level of feeling frustrated with the other while still wanting to work things out.
We have, however, more so now than at any time in the past, managed to have difficult conversations without animosity and without anger -- we have remained open and trusting and totally honest with one another. We both agree that the first and most important thing is that we maintain our respect for each other and that we try to go from there. Although many of my friends call him all kinds of names, I just stay quiet. I am not upset with him. I am sad, but not mad in any way. I genuinely see that he is hurting, and that is enough for me to not hold anything against him for the time being.
Otherwise, I feel great. I am at about 13 weeks, so they say the hard part is over. I didn't really have a "hard part" though - no pukies or anything even close. I had two weeks where I had to sleep 12 hours/night, and I still notice that I have to sleep a little extra, but otherwise I am going about my business as usual. I'm not showing or anything, but I have gained six pounds. My pants are a little tight -- I'm just sort of thickening right now but I can tell the real belly is on its way.
I told my boss, and he was incredible, so I am relieved to know that my job will not suffer, at least for now. He even said that he insists I take an extra month off, because that's what he would want any young mother to do. That was sweet; he was ecstatic and his wife was even more so. I am grateful for their support, and they are being absolutely adorable about constantly talking to me about it and telling me about their own experiences. It might get old, but right now I am just eating it up.
I saw the little bean at the ultrasound, and s/he is quite the performer. S/he was wiggling around and showing us all his/her body parts. The first shot was full-on spread-eagle, which was just an awesome way to experience my first ultrasound. It made me laugh and laugh. The second shot was of a wiggling booty, and then we got two feet followed by a double-twist. The ultrasound tech said that s/he was extra mobile, and he said it both like it was a positive thing and like it was the most annoying thing in the world. It took him probably 40 minutes to be able to get a measurement, but everything is growing on schedule.
So June 12 is the date to remember. Mark your calendars, but do so in pencil. That's sure to change once I go to my next check up in January, but it looks like we're comfortably in the month of June. That means Gemini...
I'm taking name suggestions, gender predictions, and something we can call the baby until a name is chosen. I'm looking for a term along the lines of "Bean" or "Sprout" or something to that effect.
And I apologize if a good portion of this blog becomes about the pregnancy now. I do have a few other stories to tell, the first of which involves a vomiting man on a bus being confronted by an itty bitty French woman, and him spitting a loogie in her face. So see, things are just now getting interesting...
; "Catching fish")
Wow, that is some news. Congratulations! And I'm glad you have a good support system around you.
My bet is that it'll be a girl - I know 5 or 6 other pregnant expat-in-France bloggers right now, and they're all having baby girls. Must be something in the water!
your story made me a little teary-eyed. i am really happy that you are keeping the baby as i was conceived under similar circumstances and obviously i'm glad my mom kept me and so are my parents. that's not to say that it wasn't tough for them, but they both say it was worth it. i hope i turns out the same for you, the boy, and the baby.
yup, i say a girl too, but that's just because i had one a month ago so i am biased. it sounds like you have a lot of great support around you, but if you ahve any questions about anything, considering i just went through this wacky pregnancy thing, please email me.
good luck! i wish i could put it all into words what it's like to be a parent. it's amazing is all i can say so far. the pregnancy part was pretty cool too though.
Congratulations. I really enjoyed reading your post--it is so open and honest. I really appreciate reading your blog because of the person you are. I know that sounds really sappy, but I mean it!!
Good luck with everything!
Wow, Lee. Email coming shortly xxx
Wow, I read yr blog from back in my assistant days in France 04-05. I love it + am so happy for your news... scary and amazing times I bet. Thanks for your honest blog!
-Tami
Congratulations on your little beansprout. Best wishes for all of you.
Congratulations...on the baby and on making a tough choice.
Wow, I didn't even know seven people would still read this site after such spotty posting this month. Thanks to everybody for the well-wishes!
what a beautiful story! congratulations!
Oh, Lee Ann. I'm so happy for you, but my heart goes out to you at the same time. I know it's a hard choice, and the repercussions with the boy could be scary. Good luck with everything, and even though we've never met, please know for sure that you can count on me for any help you need. Take care of yourself and the bean.
I'm not making a sex prediction, because either one would be great, right?
I had a similar instance where I considered abortion with my first. It was me that was freaking, not my soon to be husband. He wanted the baby right from the start.
When I look at my son now, so brilliant, so handsome, so wonderful, I know I made the right choice. Even when he had his sister are trying to tear each other apart. I've never regretted that decision.
Give "the boy" time. It's a responsability that not many men are "trained" to take on. He may come around. He has some thinking to do.
And to you, congratulations my dear. My expat parent info may be a little dated now, but if you ever have a question, please feel free to contact me.
And yes we still read your blog. Bloglines tells us when you post.
WOW, what amazing news. As much of a shock as it was for you, I truly believe this will be a blessing. I think these things happen for a reason. Maybe I'm a bit idealistic, but I've seen it come about that way so many times in the best, and I just feel that the best things come from the hardest experiences... I am truly happy for you, and again, I know I'm a stranger, but I'm sending you warm and happy thoughts!
I'm so glad you're going to keep your little Bean, and that you're going forward with this amazing challenge. And I agree that there really is never any perfect time for these kinds of things: I think you can try to plan it out for years, wait for the right time, and then your life goes by and it may never happen. I'm hoping that I will be as blessed one day too, because having children is something I have always wanted.
Hang in there, be strong and take good care of yourself. You are talented and full of creative energy -- you have already accomplished so many things! Now you are going to be a momma. F�licitations !
I enjoy coming here and reading your blog too, and I was hoping you were doing well. This news was unexpected, but I agree that you have shared it in such an honest, heartfelt way. Thank you for sharing pieces of your life with us!
Congrats! Reading your entry pulled at my heart strings! Bringing a baby into this world is a beautiful thing and it can't always be planned. Such is life, as they say... the tone fo your entry sounds positive and that's wonderful. Some people are slow to come around to things such as babies. It sounds like you know what you want and it's important to remember yourself during this special time in your life! Glad I found your blog, first time reader here... I'm off to read your other entries. Are you Paris, bound? Me too! Excellent. And I"m pregnant!
Thanks for sharing this....
-Aimee
"sprog" for the temporary name
Imogen for a girl, Miles for a boy
hey, maybe that's why Eleanor was so chatty when you went to the Park with Will last time you were here :) Seriously though, congratulations on your unexpected blessing. I know how very much this can all be, if you ever need anything you know where I am!
Em
That's a great post and I'm very happy you made a decision that will bring you joy. The boy will come around. Boys always do. I wouldn't be surprised if he put on a few extra sympathy kilos. Congratulations.
Hi. I've been quietly enjoying your posts for the last few months. I don't know you but I'd like to offer my congratulations anyway. Sounds like you've got your head screwed on just fine and I'm sure the boy will get his sorted out too, even if it takes time. Keep up the writing - you're great at picking up on the odd little things that make this a great place to live despite the bureaucrats and the RER on cold mornings. Best of luck.
Congratulations! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to sort out all the feelings you have right now- when I found out I was pregnant with a planned pregnancy it threw me completely off balance. You seem extraordinarily serene. Good for you. After months of sort of general anxiety, I finally decided to just accept everything as it would happen and it made such a difference. I guess you are just a fast learner :-)
Also, thought I would mention an organization that has lots of resources for pregnant anglophones and mothers- have you heard of Message? The website is great and you can find out all kinds of insider info on drs, clinics, classes to take, even which gear to buy/avoid.
Simple note to say I was touched by your post and your frankness. My best wishes to you as move through the coming months. Be sure to let us know how it all works out.
Wow -- I've stumbled across your blog more than once. From your blog, I suspect that we're nearly neighbours...
Just wanted to add a friendly voice from a stranger -- congratulations on the good news, and all my best wishes! Stay calm, stay cool. We're all rooting for you!
Lee Ann, holy crap. Don't even know what to say except I realized recently that I would make exactly the same choice in your situation, and that's pretty scary to think about. But I'm glad you have a good support group, and friends you haven't met yet (as Ani says). And Gemini is a good sign :)
My very best wishes are being sent out to you with the click of this little button...
-Lauren
Congratulations! I was wondering why you haven't been posting lately, but I guess this sort of explains it. :)
I have come to learn that men often mean what they say, so your boyfriend may not stick around for the hard part. I assume you have read Petite Anglais, the blog in which the French boyfriend won't marry her after having a child. It will be tough but it sounds like you have "The Right Stuff". Good luck.
What a heartfelt post. Best wishes and watch out for "emotional lability" -- teary-ness! Mine was wacky so many years ago. You'll have so many memorable moments during the pregnancy!
For a nickname in utero, how about "Button" or "Mouse", both sweet diminutives but also with connections to blogging!
Just occurred to me -- how about "flea", as a nick? A cute little wink at "ma puce"!
Congratulations and best wishes from australia where I've been surreptiously reading your blog for a year or so. I admire your strength and wish you all sorts of happiness, you and your child. The adventure is just beginning. Oh, and you are so lucky in your friends and family: don't ever knock the support it will become invaluable.
Jacqueline
I would have replied earlier, but alas, being without phone nor intneret for a week really seems to cut one off from the world.
Anyway, I just want to say that I really admire how you seem to be taking all this in stride, etc. Granted, I'm judging from a long post, but yes. Anyway, congrats for you unexpected blessing!
Good luck with your pregnancy and impending motherhood!
Wow, I know I'm late, but from an occasional reader... congratulations!