Meh

Good Lord, am I down! Raining, pouring, whatever the hell you call it... the badness comes in waves, and sometimes they pull me under.

I can't get into much of it here. People, feelings, yada, yada. Don't want to hurt anyone, even if I'm hurting a little myself.

But let's just say things - in almost all parts of my life - appear to all currently fall on an unappealing spectrum going from shaky to extremely turbulant. At the forefront of my problems are some Boy-related issues. I know we love one another and that that should be enough, but sometimes it's just not. Sometimes he makes me furious, and then we get mad and yell and then I feel lonely and sad. I don't really want to see my friends or talk about this with anyone - it's my problem and nobody can understand it but me. Discussing a few key points with a friend last night almost led me to tears: his advice was to move out for a month or two and see if The Boy comes around. Right.

When I start questioning one thing, I start questioning them all, and such is the life of a hardworking girl with no real professional prospects living in a big foreign city. Woo-hoo! I feel like a loser who can hardly pay her own rent. Oh wait, I AM.

I don't know, maybe there's some hormones involved in the mayhem I'm feeling inside. Let's hope so. Mainly, I would just really like for The Boy to stop yelling at his computer and pounding his fist on the table. After a ten-hour day on a busy boulevard, I would really like to just come home to some peace.

Also? I have a 70-year-old client whom I like a lot. He's nice and quiet and timid and a little sad. Last week, he asked me if we could go out to dinner some time. He's lonely, I can tell. I didn't know what to do, and in an act of desperation I gave him my number and told him I'm busy for at least the next two weeks, thinking that I could tell him I wasn't interested on the phone with greater ease than I could in person. That was Thursday.

He called me three times on Saturday, once on Sunday, stopped by the store on Sunday (and I hid in the back), and then called again this morning before stopping by the store again this afternoon.

Um. Worrisome? Just a little.

So I had to tell this poor little old man off, as gently as I could. The conversation was soooo painful, I almost wanted to cry. He asked if we could go to dinner, and I said that I was really sorry, that I'm really busy, that it's going to be hard to find time, that I hardly even see my boyfriend anymore. As it is, the only time I see my friends is when we go out for a quick drink after work, around ten o'clock. Dinner, I said, would be almost impossible.

Undeterred, he said, "Well, that's no problem, I can come and pick you up after work around 10.00, and we could just go get a drink, if you want."

He's a 70-YEAR-OLD man, people. So, realizing he didn't get the point when I didn't call him back, didn't agree to dinner, told him I was "monumentally busy", and so on, I finally just gave up and told him that I didn't think it was a good idea if we went out, ever, at all, no matter what time of day.

He got the point and actually said, "I have to go for a walk to think about some things..." afterwards, which totally creeped me out.

It also just made me sad.