Where

Something funny is happening: this time in the US, I want to stay here.

The last few years, I have really been struggling with where I want to be and why. I have been under the Parisian spell for five yeas, and now I consider that city my home. But being back in the US, talking to friends and family, feeling the ease of life here... I don't know. I wonder why I make my life such an uphill battle all the time, and I'm starting to think it's time to come home.

Mostly, this newfound appreciation for America is job-related. I could get a job - a real one - here with mild difficulty, as opposed to the extreme problems finding a real job poses in France. It's exciting to me to think about working on that whole career thing (that's about how vague it sounds in my head) and maybe going somewhere with myself. The idea of a steady income, maybe total financial independence... I could really get into that.

But there's more to it than that. I also like that things actually seem to FUNCTION here. America feels like a well-oiled machine. If I approach a person in the bookstore about a book I am looking for, he or she will be able to tell me where to find it. LORD, IT'S A MIRACLE! They have huge, natural-foods emporiums in this country, most homes appear to have sufficient storage space, and good God almighty, there's also a Target on every corner. Life in America isn't all about shopping, but the ease of the task is mind-boggling. And really pleasant. Because it works.

Wanna know why? It's that whole the-customer-is-always-right thing. It's a strange concept that also happens to be the most brilliant idea to date. I'm in YOUR store, yet it is ME, not you, who reigns. BEHOLD, the power of the shopper's credit card!

Seriously, though, I've had a love-hate relationship with this country ever since I left it. Now things are tipping in the general 'love' direction. My family and friends, for the most part, are all here. I know how this country works, and I vote in the presidential elections. I could potential be an active part of some American community. This is my home.

I'm worried about this realization, but I take a strange comfort in it. I'm ok with leaving France eventually - I've always seen it as more or less inevitable. But where would I go? What would I do? And what about The Boy?

I talked to my best friend last night. She's a bit of a metaphysical freak (in a good way) and she said, "Just live in the question for awhile. Not knowing is usually a lot more fun than knowing exactly where you want to go and what you want to do when you get there." She's right, but it's so easy to let the unknown lead to anxiety. So, I'm trying let the fear go and just allow all these questions to dangle in front of me for awhile as I entertain a few possibilities.

What a strange year this might turn out to be.