Crazy

The crazy thing is that things are never the way you imagined them. You're never prepared for the good, you're never prepared for the bad. Life is funny like that.

Something's in the air right now. I remember when I was in high school, I thought so much about existence and what are we all doing here? I thought about chance and randomness and decisions and how it only takes a single drop to start a waterfall. These thoughts almost consumed me. I often had a hard time getting out of my head, and only The Doors or Cypress Hill seemed to be able to get me out.

But I loved living with that intensity. Often, I've wondered where it went. When did I get so fascinated with the practical, instead of the mystical? When did things stop touching me spiritually? When did I stop questioning in the way I used to? In a weird way, I miss that part of myself that was so fascinated with the underbelly of life, the things just below the surface.

While we were in Senegal, we sat under a tree with some maraboutage. Someone had wrapped up a shoe in very intricate system of string and leaves, and the supersticious Senegalese I was with made low, disapproving humming noises and warned me about the power of this kind of magic. I remember at the time glimpsing at it, and wondering if really there was something evil in it.

But I think it was good stuff. Something has definetly happened to me ever since I went there. I still can't put my finger on it... it's this strange sort of peace. I just can't explain it. I have so much going on. So many strange things happening to me. So much I can't control. But. I don't know. I'm ok. And I feel good. And I'm even ok with the times I don't feel good. It's coming from inside, and that's so different than it all coming from within my head.

It made me realize: that questioning is back. It's a sort of soul-thinking. Instead of the cold, mechanical thinking of the brain, it's warm and sort of ether-like, but just as powerful. Thoughts of chance and destiny and what-does-it-all-mean have been invading me, and I feel so calm in their presence.

I just ran into an old friend. We had had a terrible falling out about three years ago, and it was never resolved. It was sort of a constant stain on my otherwise rather cheery Parisian canvas, one that I almost always hated revisiting.

Often, I would think I saw her and my heart would skip a beat. Oh God, I'd think. What the hell are we going to say to one another? Without fail, the person I saw would turn her head another 15�, and I'd realize it had been a false alarm. But it would be enough of a reminder of her to make me re-hash the whole story over again in my mind. Almost immediately afterwards, I'd get really angry, and then I'd just slump back in my chair/bus seat/whatever and just feel the ugliness of the situation all around me. I hated feeling like that.

But I saw her today and we talked. We caught up, we had coffee, we went over what happened. I think we've both grown. I think it'll be ok. I've said my piece, and she was receptive. That's all I really can ask for.

I'm surprised. I had always thought that running into her would be so painful, but I'm so glad it happened. I feel the air has been cleared. I feel lighter. There are still things to work out, but I don't have to go on being angry at someone for the past.

That's a good feeling. And a healthy one. Like I said, you never know when good things will happen. Surprisingly, you never know what forms good things will come in, either. The best thing today came in the form of a past "enemy." I'm glad that today I can call again call her, however hesitatingly, my friend.