They refused The Boy's visa to the US today. I'm so upset about it I actually cried. Already I'm spending five weeks away from him when I go to southeast Asia (not that I'm complaining...), then I'll come home for a week and leave again for another two or three.
Beyond that, I'm sure I'll have a mini-breakdown alone in some part of the cruise ship because no matter how much I love him, I'm sick of having to deal with this shit. I hate that I can't bring him along to family functions, I hate that I always end up feeling like the odd one out at every family get together. I hate that he can't come to see where I grew up and get to know my country. It feels like a slap in my face every time my brother leans in to kiss his wife, or my sister holds her husband's hand. It's not that I don't want them to do that. It's that I want to be able to do that, too. But when I'm on the other side of the Atlantic, I can't. And it's starting to feel like I will never be able to, either.
They declined his request because he's currently unemployed. If we were married, they would have granted him the visa, but I guess being with someone for five years doesn't mean shit to people at the embassy. Now, after the visit, I really, really wish I had gone along with him. I don't know that it would have made a difference, but I at least could have said a little something to that bitch that told him no.
Not that I'm knockin'. She was just doing her job, sticking to the rules. I can still have a bit of animosity towards her just to make myself feel better. But my enthusiasm for my trip home has just dropped several notches. I was so excited. It just sucks to get excited about something and then realize it's not going to happen. I can feel the disappointment in my body as if it were a physical sensation. It's sitting right in those little pockets below my clavicle, and just above my armpits, where my arms meet my body.
What's worse: a) his visit to the embassy cost him over 100 euros because they charge you for your visit (and the phone call to set up the visit) and b) he can't apply for a visa for another year. Had we known all of this, we may have done things differently. The thing is, they don't provide information online or on paper or anywhere for you either, like, say, the Canadian embassy does. Who, by the way, granted him a visa within a day. But whatever.
Ugh, I'm just fed up, let-down, and frustrated. If I thought it was hard to spend four days as a seventh wheel without him during Christmas, I think eight days on a boat is going to be one helluva challenge. I'll be sure to bring a lot of books and learn a few more solitary games before I leave.