Shitty Day

I didn't like realizing that I was already picking out some kids who were "troublemakers" and bitching about them, but it's pretty hard not to do. I'm fine with the kids who have a hard time paying attention, or who are easily distracted, or whatever, as long as they're reasonably respectful and they do their work. But I don't like the kids who try to test me, who disrupt the class, or who insist on only speaking French. I corrected exercises today by several boys who thought it would be hilarious to do the whole thing using the verb "to fuck." Fine, I thought, and didn't flinch, just correcting their grammar in the same way I did everyone else's. But I don't know if that's the right sort of action to take: should I ignore their attempts at destablizing me, or should I make a stir about it? My opinion is that I didn't get to play games and talk about life in France with a college-age French person when I was in high school, and, should the occasion have presented itself, I'm sure we all would have been really excited about it. These kids make it seem like it's such a drag to have a conversation, and they're driving me insane. Their alternative is to sit and do grammar exercises, and I can't see why they would prefer that. I imagine they're even more hellish in their normal classroom.

On the other hand, right after that class, I have a group who comes of their own will. They're not required to be there, and they come during their "free" period because they want to practice and improve their English. I was so touched to learn that they were interested and saw the class as wortwhile. They are also very talkative, they participate a lot, they ask questions in English. I love them. Walking into that classroom after being with the other group for the first hour is so refreshing I can actually feel my body relax the first few minutes.

I also feel bad because there are several girls in the first, unruly class who want to learn, but who are constantly overshadowed by the boys. Sometimes it gets on my nerves that they don't speak up for themselves: they're almost freakishly quiet all hour. But mostly I feel that I'm not doing something right, that I can't handle the class and that the girls are suffering because of it. I talked to their normal teacher about it and she said, "Oh, well, if it makes you feel any better, I can't handle the class at all, either. It's been this way for those girls all year, and I don't see it changing any time soon."

No, actually, that doesn't make me feel better. It just makes an already bleak picture seem bleaker.

Anyway, it was a bad way to start the day. I'm just happy that my other classes were all kind and respectful, or else I might have lost it at some point. I went from teaching all day to my evening class at the Sorbonne, where I promptly fell into a pretty deep sleep. That marks the first time I have fallen asleep in a class, which I think is pretty impressive (almost four months of classes!), but man did I sleep! My sleep was so deep that I started dreaming. I hope I didn't start talking, too.

I managed to wake up for the last hour of the class, where we did a practice test for the exam. I was so totally lost it was frightening. Walking out of class, I just felt an enormous weight fall on my shoulders. How the hell am I going to prepare for these exams? I am very afraid of not passing this semester - a fear I have never experienced in my life. I've been afraid of not getting a good grade, but never have I feared just all out failing. I'm just angry because I feel I've done all the work: I've been to 95% or more of all my classes, I've taken notes, I've paid attention. But for some reason, things just aren't clear to me. It might be just a difference in the systems. I don't know.

Anyway, the only good thing is that I know I'm not alone. I came out of class and talked to a few other students who seem to be even worse off than me. Misery loves company, I guess.