Ok, less than twelve hours 'til my next final. I've decided to put the books away for the evening, because I find it's always a good idea to just shove the exam away from your mind the night before you take it.
That said, tomorrow I'll probably be cramming like mad for my Tuesday final. But I at least quasi-prepped for it this weekend.
At any rate, I'm proud of what I have accomplished this weekend, regardless of my results tomorrow. I had an eight-hour study marathon yesterday, and then put in another seven today, so whatever I don't know by now, I probably won't know by tomorrow, either.
I've been thinking a bit about my situation here. The French school system just doesn't work for me. I need to accept this and move on. I'll try to finish in high form, but it's not easy. I'm a big fan of personal attention. Of syllabi (?). Of hands-on exercises and short, written essays. Hell, I'm even a fan of outside readings, I've discovered.
How do I know this? Because I don't have ANY of these things in my classes, and I keep finding myself trying to go back to something - to the syllabus, or to the reading, or to the exercises - for clarification. Know why? Because they help me understand. Apparently that's not really the goal of the professors here.
The end result is that I've never been so afraid of all-out failing in my life. I truly feel that these exams are a bit of a shot in the dark for me. It's so overwhelming that I'm not even hysterical about it, because I feel it's sort of all in the hands of fate, at this point. I realize that's not the most appropriate way to look at final exams, but it's what I'm doing. Coping mechanism, folks. Let me have one.
I know that were I in the US, I'd be mega-prepared. I've never really studied much because I usually just suck up everything throughout the semester. Usually a few hours of revision is enough, just to fill in some gaps. But, this time around, I really feel like those gaps were actually enormous gorges, splitting me and the knowledge I am supposed to have far, far apart. The only connection between us is this tiny, rickety ole bridge - � la Indiana Jones - which I am hesitatingly walking across.
I've done all the usual stuff I do: organized my notes, made a crib-sheet of sorts, highlighted and taken notes on my notes, gone over problem areas...
But I still just feel like anything can happen tomorrow. And that's scary.
So here's what I told The Boy, and I'm sticking to it. Given that one can retake all of one's exams in September in case one fails the first time around, this is how it breaks down:
- If I pass none of my four exams, I'll be up shit creek.
- If I pass one of four exams, I'll still be up shit creek.
- If I pass two of four exams, I'll be satisfied with my performance, knowing that I'll have to bust ass come September.
- If I pass three of four exams, I'll shit my pants with elation.
- If I pass four of four exams, drinks are on me all night.
Cross yer fingers for me.
Meanwhile, can we just talk about a few things quickly? Something political?
Could we talk about how John Kerry has skipped out on 64% of his Senate votes? That's his JOB. To vote. In the Senate. Could we just think about that for a second? Or could we also think about how he plays up his veteran-ness but then supported cutting veterans' pay? Or how he makes a big bruhaha about how he protested against what he considered a useless war (although he claims he slept on the mall in Washington, other sources say he slept comfortably at home) but then voted for another one thirty years later? Or what about how he wants this Iraq situation to turn out for the better, but then voted against the funding to make this possible? And, how although he voted FOR the Iraq war, FOR No Child Left Behind, and FOR the Patriot Act, he is running on a platform that is against all of them? What are you people thinking?*
Could I also point out that he didn't even make all the requirements to even be on the NY Ballot (not enough signatures and didn't file in all countries. Actually, the only people to have correctly done so were Dean and Edwards)?
From the NY Times (requires registration/login to see):
I'm also a bit perplexed by the way the media is handling all of this. I read somewhere that Kerry pretended to smoke a joint on stage with Peter, Paul and Mary. Surely, this is something that the media would trounce on Dean for, but thus far I've only seen it mentioned in a small, itty-bitty paper. It just seems off-kilter. Is there some sort of bias? A lot of people in the Dean campaign believe it is in the (mainly Republican) media's own interest to promote Kerry, as he will so obviously lose to Bush were he to be the nominee. Why will he lose to Bush? Well, because he voted WITH HIM in almost every major issue the country is facing today. What do you all think?
I understand not liking Dean, but Christ almighty, don't opt for Kerry instead. The more I read about him (and I've read a lot), the more he comes off as straight up slimeball.
**Update: Turns out I'm right. Dean people have been complaining of phone calls being sent on behalf of the Dean campaign, while actually being from Kerry's team, ringing people up at 2 or 3 in the morning. There have also been rumors of push polls. While many may chalk this up to crazy Deaniacs freaking out over the NH primary, ABC has just confirmed it. Hopefully, there's more to come on this matter soon. Kerry should be in deep trouble, were the media ever to do their job correctly.
*Could I also add here that this will make debating against Bush very, very difficult. Bush will bring up something that he's (oddly) proud of, and then Kerry will try to say, "But it's wrong because...," while still prefacing it with something like, "Well, I voted for it at the time, but it's wrong because..." Seriously, the guy obviously has no political foresight whatsoever, and is just going with whatever's popular so as to win the nomination.
I heard about the thing with Kerry pretending to smoke a joint. Like you, I was surprised that the media didn't jump all over him. Imagine what they would have done if Dean had done the same thing?
I'll vote for anyone but Bush, but I have to admit I have the same misgivings about Kerry as you do.