Tomorrow's the big day. I can't afford to get the new, spiffy outfit this year, but otherwise, this first day at a new school should be like any other: hesitation as to where I should sit, checking and double-checking room numbers, psychotic reviewing of where I should be and when, general fear of talking to people or of showing that I'm not entirely sure of what the hell I'm doing.
I suppose the most marked difference this year involves that whole every-class-is-in-French thing, coupled by the I'm-not-actually-enrolled-in-over-half-my-classes bit. But, you know, that's all part of the adventure. I'm just going to sit in on the lectures anyway. And maybe talk to the professors about changing classes, even though I'm not even in their class yet. Thankfully, none of my classes are yet of the sort where you have to say hello and how are you to everybody in one of those annoying let's-go-around-the-room-and-get-to-know-one-another bonding sessions. I get all flustered and nervous when I have to do that in English, and it's close to nightmarish in French. My heart literally starts beating in my ears at three times its usual speed, and I choke on my words and usually end up turning bright red. Further proof that I am not as laid-back as I like to think I am.
At any rate, I had originally set up a course schedule that, upon reflection, was really stupid. I've now worked out a better deal, or so I hope. I have to go to the various offices concerned with my switch tomorrow morning, followed by an entire afternoon of classes (13.00-19.30, baby!) and I think by the time I leave the Sorbonne tomorrow evening, I will have spent ten consecutive hours in the building. Cool!
Honestly, I feel a bit silly for having the jitters. When I was a kid and I went from a small, private middle school to the bigger, scarier public high school in ninth grade, all I remember thinking was, "Well, let's see how this goes." I wasn't really nervous at all. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I was so cool with my painted converse and new button-fly jeans that I more or less considered myself invincible.
Going to college was rather easy as well. Everyone was doing their best to make the transition to college life easier, and they were successful. The school had set up numerous orientation gigs, potlucks, counseling sessions, parties, tours, you name it. Plus, the professors at UCSC are so friggin' nice that their scariness factor was practically reduced to nil. I felt like I could invite any member of the UCSC staff to my apartment for dinner, and we'd all have a dandy time discussing tevas and buddhism and patchouli.
But those Sorbonne people? Very scary. Very bitchy. Very not wanting to set up counsellings sessions, guided tours, or a help desk. I can only bet that the professors are worse. I would never invite them to my house for dinner, and if I did, they would never want to come.
One of the girls in my Arabic class went to the informational meeting two weeks ago about the program we're doing. She told me that the teachers said they'll call on students in question/answer rounds in an auditorium full of 50 or 60 students, and that the students will be expected to shout out the answer. Now, really, is this really the ideal foreign-language learning environment? Talk about embarrassment. Talk about putting people out of their comfort zone. Talk about freaking the shit out of me. I pray those people never call on me. But I know that, just because I'm the most freaked out, they're bound to call on me twice as much as my confident and totally chill neighbor.
Ach, well... I've surprised myself recently. Hopefully I'll be able to get through this year in one piece. I had this moment today where I said, "Hey, outside of Arabic, I'll only have four classes this semester! I'm so on top of this! That's nothing!" And then I remembered that all the work for them will be in French. As will all the readings, all the papers, and all the tests. Which, let's just be honest here, is gonna really slow me down.
I've always been the type to do my homework. I rarely, if ever, go to class unprepared. I hate the feeling unpreparedness gives me, and I figure the effort it takes to do the homework is less painful than the nervousness and fear that sits in my stomach on days when I haven't done the work. That's really the only reason I do it. But I also do it because it usually doesn't really take as much effort or time as one would think. I usually understand things pretty quickly in class, and then go through the homework methodically enough so that it doesn't take hours and hours (granted, Arabic is a definite exception. There's just no way around that one, but I enjoy the homework in my own little sick, masochistic way).
I used to live with a girl who literally spent seven hours one day writing a one-page paper. Some reaction to a book or something. I just couldn't fathom it. Although we were following pretty much the same courseload, the time she spent on homework on average was probably triple what I did. But oddly, she got far lower grades than me and never quite seemed to understand anything. That was probably because she was rather stupid, but still... I felt like her diligent homework should have made up for her lack of intellect. But I guess if you're not bright, your homework will reflect that, and teachers aren't going to give you brownie points for handing in something crappy just because you spent hours and hours slaving over it.
And I guess I've always sort of felt lucky that I can get through things reasonably quickly and still get pretty good grades. But I'm sort of thinking that my ability to fly through homework is going to be greatly reduced this year. And that's sort of unsettling. No, actually, that's really freakin unsettling. It's going to throw my whole system for coping with school stress way outta whack.
I looked at the books I have to read for my classes and it occured to me that they are all (except two) textbooks in French. Sure, I can read stories and newspapers and all that in French, but I have a hard enough time keeping my concentration on English textbooks, I'm a bit concerned about doing the same when French is involved. I want to get good grades, but I also want to laugh and see movies and go out to dinner. I pray I can make the two happen.
But why worry before classes even start? Righto. I just have to keep asking myself that. And chill. I have to chill.
Well, you'll find out how it all goes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll only have blushed my average of 214 times per day, and my usual idiotic comments will be kept to the normal 88 or so. If I can stay within those limits, I'll consider the day a success.
PS I'm not really as psycho and paranoid as I am making myself sound. I'm just being dramatic. Even though I honestly am a bit nervous. Just a lil bit, though. Ok, fine, I'm freaking my shit out.