Did any of you ever see "Do The Right Thing"? You know how the tension mounts and mounts throughout the film, only to burst during the biggest heat wave that hit New York City in years? And do any of you remember the song in the background? It goes like this:
You can't stand it, I know you can't stand it.
You can't stand it, you know you can't stand it.
You can't stand it.
You know you can't stand
THE HEAT.
And seriously, honestly...this is my current theme song. This song plays in the movie while Rosie Perez (is that her name?) takes a cold, cold shower and old men fan themselves on porchsteps with newspapers.
Meanwhile, here, with the song pumping full blast in the back of my head at all hours of the day, I have resorted to desperate measures to remain cool. I eat little, as food has a tendency to gross me out in hot weather. I attempt not to move from the one-foot-wide (ok, maybe two) space in which there is a breeze entering my bedroom. I have dunked my head under cold water at least five times today.
It's not only hot, it's STUFFY. As if we were all sitting in a sauna without an out door. That's the only reason I can even stay IN the damn sauna to begin with: that out door is always such a relief. What the hell am I supposed to do when there is no freakin out door?
I have drank lots and lots and lots and lots of water, but I still feel horribly dehydrated. I mean, really, HORRIBLY dehydrated. I feel like I always have a lukewarm glass of H2O in my hand, and that the semi-cool moment of almost-good-enough refreshment is always coming or going but never quite there.
The funny part about this kind of heat is not that it makes trash smell stronger or people move slower, it's that it has tangible effects on my body. These are:
1. Every vein that I have coursing through my body has tripled in size. I am already a veiny person - especially in the foot region. My feet now look like 3-D roadmaps of the Chicago area.
2. The skin. It swells. I put on a pair of shoes today - the kind with the wrap-up straps (so sexy!), and found when I took them off that I had permanent strap marks running up and down my ankles (not so sexy!). Strap marks, people. From my shoes.
3. The boobs. I don't want to suffocate them too much, or else that could prove embarassing to all three of us. But really, I only have so many cool, summer apparel pieces, and most of them do not help with the air-flow situation in the chest region. And lace is hot stuff. I need more really ho-ey but miraculously not-made-of-polyester-or-latex pieces of apparel. I don't know if the ho stores have heard anything about cotton or linen yet, but somebody should let them in on it.
So obviously, I have a lot of things on my mind right now. That's one more thing: the heat makes you stupid. Haven't you all ever heard of Valley Girls? It was so damn hot in that Valley that they just got really stupid.
Do they have popsicles in France? If not, I suggest you leave immediately.
Having just survived OUR heatwave, here are my suggestions:
1. Lemonade. Something miraculous about it makes it heat-quenching even at not-cold temperatures. Even lemonade from a packet. Seriously. And you can make little lemonade pops in your freezer that cool you down from the inside, even if you just do it with an icecube tray and some toothpicks.
2. Skirts. I know you're not a big skirt person, but seriously. The airflow situation is SO MUCH BETTER, and you can get skirts with very thin material easier than you can find pants or shorts with them.
3. Those shirts with the fake bra in them. They don't do much in the bra department, but at least then you can not wear a bra and pretend they do.
4. Movies. Lots and lots of movies, especially 3 or 4 p.m. movies, which let you out just when it's starting to cool off, or at least when it's not going to get any hotter.
5. Little battery-operated fans. I'm such a dork, but I don't care. I'm less hot than those who are less dorky than me.
I'm less hot than those who are less dorky than me.
I think that if you apply some sort of mathematical/logical principles to that, it means that dorks are hot.
Which is true!!!! Yeah dorks!
Which would be funny, because I meant to say that dorks are *cool*!
Greetings from a heatwave, England. It's far too hot to do anything at all. I'm seriously considering moving to Iceland.
i think ice cube is the best