A highly educated Parisian man once said to me, "I have a word that you can use that will impress all the Frenchies out there. It's a word hardly anybody knows, but it's a great word."
I could feel the suspense growing, "Yeah? What is it?" I asked.
"La procrastination," he said triumphantly.
I couldn't hide my disappointment. "Oh." I said weakly, "We have that word in English."
The problem was not so much that it was a word that I would have actually come to test with a French person anyway (you know the golden rule, right? Any word in English ending in -tion can always be tested to see if it works in French as well. It more often does than doesn't). No, the problem was really that I FUCKING HATE THAT WORD.
Why? Because it's the bane of my existence. The reason for the majority of my guilt and stress. The aspect of my personality I wish I could change.
This week - two weeks before finals and two weeks before my big essay is due (that I haven't started yet) - I have managed to accomplish the following:
- intensive research on all of my future travel plans, including plans for next year. When I say intesive, I really mean intensive.
- the successful completion of several literary works - none of which are actually in any way shape or form associated with my classes
- the gathering and complition of mixed tapes
- the proper rearrangement of my filing system
- lots of baking
Not one of these things in any way advances my actual work that needs to get done. Not a one.
I know, and admit, that my life would be a lot more enjoyable if I were just to suck it up and do the work. But really, I can't seem to get myself to start. What's the deal? I've always been a little bit this way, but never to this extreme. I have fantasies of just deciding not to take my exams, not to write my essay, and not feeling guilty about it later. But those are just daydreams.
Today was to be my Big Work Day. It didn't happen. But now it's 23.00. I figure I can get SOMETHING done.
I start a job tomorrow. My parents are coming the weekend before my essay is due (which means no cramming). I have applications to fill out for next year starting next week. So really, I only have today to accomplish everything I need to get done.
Oddly enough, I'm not stressing about it. I have just calmly accepted that the majority of it is not going to get done and that I am going to do a botch job of the rest of it.
That's sort of a shitty feeling though. It's my own damn fault.