When I flew back to the States for Christmas, the jetlag was actually bearable. On the first day, I woke up at 4.30 am, but after that, I was pretty much doing the 6.30-7 am thing, and I liked it. It is far better to wake upat 7.00 am and to have a whole day ahead of you than to wake up at 12.00 pm and only have half the afternoon and half the night.
When I came back to France, I had that crazy lots-of-flying/New Year's/no sleep experience that lasted roughly 40 hours. On Jan 1, I finally ended up going to bed at 9.00 am, and waking up arouind 18.30. And I have been totally backwards ever since.
Until yesterday, I had been living nocturnally for almost a week. That is no way to live. Especially when you have things to do (which have actually been kept to a minimum for the last week, but will pick up again at the end of this one).
Sunday, after waking up at 16.00, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to do something about it. So I stayed up all night Sunday and all day Monday. I was a total wreck by 13.00 Monday, barely able to get out coherent sentences. By 19.00, I collapsed into bed, 27 hours after having gotten out of it.
Now it is Tuesday. I woke up, after a healthy nine hours of sleep, at 4.00 am. I don't mind. I figure by tomorrow that will even itself out to six am, and things will be back in order.
But, I woke up this morning thinking about odessastreet. I have decided to change the tune around here. I think I have been too guarded, too impersonal. I don't want this site to be entirely dedicated to weird web finds or to interesting anecdotes from the newspaper. This is a personal web site, and I am giong to make it personal - or at least somewhat more so.
I came to this decision because I remember reading someone close to me's web site, and really enjoying reading her personal stories/perspectives/feelings. Web sites can be, if well done, an interesting way to present a new facet of oneself. Why should I keep myself from doing so?
Some people - those I don't know personally - stumbling across this site might think, "What the hell? Why is this chick writing about stuff nobody cares about?" however, there are a few personal sites that I read where, even if I don't know the author him or herself, the stories are interesting and I feel I can relate to them. Check out some of the links on the right to see what I mean.
And in all honesty, this site is really for myself. Don't get me wrong - I love having people read it and talk to me about it and give me feedback. But I didn't create this web site for any particular audience, or for any particular reason, really, other than to give myself a little place to nurture like I would my garden - were I to have one.
I suppose this decision somewhat worries me. How do I define what is personal and what is too personal? And how much do I want others to know about me? These are bridges to cross when I come to them, and for now I am just excited to get started.
This is just absolute folly. New layout, new content, new year.
Sigh.
So, as part of my "new" site, I am presenting to you a list of New Year's resolutions. This, too, is new to me, as I have never made such a list before. It has always seemed ridiculous, a means of setting oneself up for disaster. But you know what? It's almost five am, and things don't open in Paris until 10.00, so right now it seems like a pretty good idea.
Lee's First-Ever New Year's Resolutions List
1. Get a job: this may seem easy to some, but I live in France and I am not French, nor am I from the European Union. This is a big hurdle. Nevertheless, I am certified to teach English, which is a job in high demand. Most schools only want native speakers. This is also in my favor. I have sent out 30-40 resumes with no response. This is the moment to prove that I am a go-getter. A Carpe Diem situaion, if you will. I must assert myself and actively persue every possible job avenue to its limit. This is difficult for me because, to my recollection, until now, every job that I have applied for I have ended up getting. I therefore have not developed the proper skills to "sell myself" to a potential employer. This has been made abundantly clear by my current unemployed status.
2. Accept that I am at that ugly point in my life: I am 23. My friends that are the same age as I am and I are all lost, lost, lost. Post college blues? Too many options? Not enough? Fear of the real world?? Who knows. I am, yet again, in an awkward position. I have lived in France for the last three+ years. This is my home. My friends are here. My boyfriend is here. I have keys to a front door here. Yet, I am not allowed to stay here unless I am in school, or am hired by a high-end company to do high-end research (or something high-end in general). This is ok for now because I am happy being a student, and I want to continue on to graduate school. This was the original plan for this year, but after two weeks at my current school, I realized I had made a horrible mistake. This, I have also come to accept. Back up, rewind, review life goals and interests. What do I really want to be doing, where do I want to do it, and why? I am now applying for schools in France for next fall in a related yet slightly different field. Higher education in France is virtually free. This is a positive thing that should be exploited to its maximum. When people ask me things like, "Dude, how much longer are you going to be in school?" in an accusing tone, I should not get annoyed or angry. I should patiently remind myself that a) they do not and could not fully understand or empathize with my current situation and b) school is an excellent thing, especially when it is free and c) everyone has a period of transition.. I am allowed mine. Go easy on yourself.
3. Don't stress the small stuff: I believe I was much more chilled out when living in California. I suppose this is normal, given the difference between environments: living four blocks away from the beach versus living at one of the six or seven major Parisian hubs worse, on the corner of my street is a movie theater, which is constantly swarming with people waiting for, coming out of, or mulling over films showing). I think that I am, in general, a pretty laid-back person. But I have noticed one awful, horrible tendancy I have which I would like to control. When criticzed, I fly off the friggin' handle. And I mean, even the most minor criticism. I should look to control that. This partially comes from living with a Virgo. They are very critical people. I don't necessarily think that his criticisms are wrong, and I think he has a right to say them. I have just never been confronted with being close to somebody who will honestly criticize, no harm intended. This is probably because my friends are just too damn nice.
4. Make the social effort: I don't mean this only for my current social life, but I also mean it for remaining in contact with friends. I am pretty good about it, but I think I could be better. I think I should put myself out there more with people, tell them that I want to see them or miss them or love them or was thinking about them or whatever. Why not? Everybody likes to hear that. It's just a little difficult to say it. We all should, regardless.
and finally, 5. Remember how blessed I am: I think we all have a tendancy to forget it. I am particularly ungrateful, considering how lucky I really am. I still have my moments. But it is so easy to get caught up in the little daily chores and problems and errands and hugabaloo. Yesterday, while washing the dishes, I realized I couldn't really ask for more - except maybe a job - without sounding like a whiny brat. At base, I have a loving, caring, supportive family, with an amazing network of amazing friends. I have no serious emotional scars from my past. I have not battled depression, illness, or any other life-altering misfortune that could threaten my happiness. I have a a giving, wonderful boyfriend that supports me in all I do. Financial concerns are kept within the range of the bearable. I get to actively persue my own interests. I live in one of the world's most beautiful cities. I have a new supportive bed that has reduced my chronic back pain. I am in good physical and mental shape. Everyday, I get to speak a foreign language, and I am learning another. I eat balanced, semi-regular meals. I have health insurance. My home is small, yet comfortable. Somebody invented corrective lenses. I laugh everyday.